Does he still love me? – Free test & tips

Having doubts day after day about whether your partner still loves you? – That doesn't feel good at all! In a committed relationship, we crave security and reliability. Not knowing how the other person feels about you is very stressful in the long run.

Find out as soon as possible where your relationship stands. Gaining clarity is always better than letting the feeling of uncertainty wear you down any longer.

You used to be absolutely certain: your loved one cherished their time with you. Being with you was very important to them. Perhaps, at the beginning of your relationship, they even skipped the occasional important appointment to spend this "stolen" time doing something special with you. You probably both couldn't get enough of each other. What remains of that today—besides fading memories?

Perhaps you are currently experiencing a lot of sadness, insecurity, or anger. And you are now questioning almost everything your partner says or does—or doesn't say or do .

• "What has become of all our beautiful rituals?"

• "Why do I increasingly have the uneasy feeling that he deliberately doesn't do things that are important to me, but continues to do only what he wants..."

• "Can you even be sure that he enjoys being with you?"

• "Don't you increasingly get the impression that he doesn't think as highly of you as he used to?"

• "Does he sometimes even do things like that on purpose: changing plans and not letting me know (or playing on his phone while I'm talking to him, or looking at other women when we're out for a walk...) - even though I've told him that it hurts me."

You are not alone.

Questions like "Does he still love me?" or "Does she still love me?" or "Why do I feel like I no longer play a central role in his (her) life?" are familiar to many people in long-term relationships - men as well as women.

Most long-term couples are familiar with the feeling of no longer being quite so sure whether changes in how they treat each other are 'normal' or a sign of waning affection.

But that doesn't make it any less painful for the individual when precisely these kinds of questions are troubling them. Giving your heart to another person makes you vulnerable. If our love is not (or no longer) reciprocated, we experience it as a profound hurt.

Our minds want to protect us from such pain. Therefore, they go on high alert as soon as there are signs that our loved one may no longer love us (or at least not as much as before).

Free test: Does he still love me?

What can help to assess the current relationship situation as realistically as possible?

The question "Does he (still) love me?" is not easy to answer for several reasons:

• Ultimately, we can never truly know what is going on inside another person.

• The question is highly emotionally charged, making it difficult to maintain inner calm.

• 'Loving someone' is not static, but dynamic. Feelings can change – sometimes very quickly.

Our (free) short test will give you initial indications of how things seem to be going in your love life.

Answer the questions as objectively as possible. You will receive immediate feedback with specific tips.

To start the test, please click here:

10 signs that your partner still loves you

Important: Not every man (and not every woman) expresses his (or her) love in the same way.

Even if our partner doesn't shower us with every imaginable declaration of love from morning till night, there's absolutely no reason to worry. There are many different ways to show someone you care. People are simply different.

For example, if a partner has never talked much about feelings or their own desires in the relationship, they might simply be the type of person who finds it difficult in general. However, if they have gradually or suddenly stopped doing so (even though they previously always spoke their mind), this could be a warning sign.

Below we have listed 10 typical signs that your boyfriend or husband most likely still loves you. Which of these seem familiar to you? Have the respective signals changed over time ?

(1) He says to you: "I love you."

Let's start with the obvious. You might be thinking, "That's all well and good. But still: Can I know with 100% certainty that he really means it ?" - No. You can't. But it's a very good sign when your partner expresses his love in words on his own initiative.

Because: Most men would feel uncomfortable saying the weighty words "I love you" without actually feeling them. They might sometimes manage a mumbled "I love you too" – but the three great words of love are no longer actively spoken.

(2) He looks into your eyes.

Whether during sex, in conversations or in everyday situations: If your partner seeks (intense) eye contact with you, that's a good sign.

Pay attention to whether he looks you in the eyes while saying "I love you" or "I love you too." If so, that's a strong indication that he feels what he's saying and is connected to you.

(3) They appear in his long-term plans.

This is also a strong sign that your partner still loves you: He mentions you when he talks about his future. He plans future vacations with you, for example. He talks about things he would like to experience with you. He is clearly structuring his life so that you have a permanent place in it.

Admittedly, some men and women don't particularly enjoy long-term planning. If this is also the case with your boyfriend or husband, don't automatically interpret it as a lack of love. However, if he generally thinks about the future frequently, you should be included in his thoughts.

(4) He strives to resolve conflicts jointly.

If a man has lost interest in his partner, he often no longer makes a real effort to find solutions to existing problems. He might even find the occasional argument quite convenient, as it makes it easier to justify and bring about a breakup.
Therefore, if he (still) cares about overcoming problems and challenges in your relationship, this is also a sign that feelings are still there.

(5) He has a sexual interest in you.

Admittedly, a man doesn't have to love you to experience sexual desire. And he doesn't have to experience sexual desire to love you.

But: Love and sex often go hand in hand. If your partner often desires you, it's not a definitive sign, but a good indication that he still loves you.

However, passion and desire naturally diminish over the years in a relationship. The initial inability to keep their hands off each other, which many couples experience at the beginning of a new relationship, fades. This is perfectly normal and should not be interpreted as a sign of a lack of love.

(6) He is affectionate towards you.

If your partner frequently hugs you, kisses you, or strokes your hair in everyday life, it suggests that they still have feelings for you. Even small gestures can mean a lot because they show that the other person cares about you.

(7) He takes time for you.

One of the biggest challenges in a long-term relationship is finding enough time for each other. If you're not consciously making an effort, everyday life and work quickly take over, and time together as a couple suffers.

If your partner makes an effort to regularly spend quality time with you, it shows that you are important to them. Of course, it's not to be expected that only one of you will take the initiative. Especially during periods when your partner is particularly busy, you may need to take the first step.

(8) He is interested in your life.

Not all men and women are good listeners. And you probably know this from your own experience: when you're stressed, it's harder to genuinely take an interest in other people's lives.

Therefore, it is a very good sign if your partner frequently seeks conversation with you, shows interest in your life and asks you, for example, if you are well or how your day was.

(9) He gets a little jealous occasionally.

This point is a bit more complex. Some men are naturally not very jealous, have a strong control over their feelings, or simply rarely show them. So, if your partner is NOT jealous, there's no need to worry.

However, if a man shows signs of jealousy from time to time, this is usually a sign that he still loves the woman at his side and does not want to lose her.

(However, this does not mean that jealousy is "good" per se. Excessive jealousy can put enormous strain on a relationship, as we analyzed in the article on jealousy .)

(10) He shows himself in his best light.

When you live together or have a family, you see each other as a couple every day in your pajamas, unwashed, or with unbrushed teeth. That's perfectly normal and can be quite cozy.

Nevertheless, it is important that both partners make sure not to let themselves go completely, but to remain attractive to each other - be it by exercising regularly, paying attention to their own hygiene or dressing nicely for dates.

So if your partner is still trying to remain attractive to you, that's a good sign that he still loves you - and doesn't just want to live with you in a kind of familiar shared apartment...

10 warning signs that he might not love you anymore

If the 10 signs mentioned above, how people express their love and affection, have (significantly) diminished in your partnership over time, this does not necessarily mean that your partner's love for you is "gone" - but it can be a clear warning sign.

Before we look at what you can do now, let's look at a few more warning signs to better answer the question "Does he still love me?"

(1) He has run out of patience with you.

One sign that your partner may love you less, or not at all, could be that they frequently lose patience with you. Where they used to be understanding about minor mistakes, they now quickly become hostile towards you – even though they know you 'didn't mean any harm'.

And if you then try to explain the situation, he might not want to talk about it anymore.

(2) He is looking for a fight.

Partners who no longer love their partner often unconsciously look for reasons to argue. Of course, there can be other reasons for this. You might recognize this in yourself: if you're generally frustrated, you might be more likely to take your bad mood out on your partner.

However, if your boyfriend or husband has recently become permanently confrontational (without any apparent trigger in his life that has nothing to do with you), this could be a sign that he is (unconsciously) looking for a way out of the relationship.

(3) He raises the possibility of separation.

Perhaps you have different plans or needs again – and suddenly you hear sentences like: "If that's the case, maybe we're just not compatible anymore!" If a man is no longer truly committed to the relationship, he may test his wife's reaction to the topic of separation and splitting up.

Caution: Sometimes men use such phrases as a form of preemptive defense. If your partner fears that the relationship is becoming increasingly burdensome and you're mentally preparing to end it, he might bring up the word "separation" ("preemptive strike") to test your reaction.

(4) They are never good enough for him.

No matter how you behave – and even if you try to be the 'perfect woman' for him – it just doesn't seem to be enough. He always finds something to criticize about you.

Justified criticism and open communication are important in a relationship. But when the other person is constantly being criticized, the reasons given are often just excuses, and the real problem is that the person being constantly criticized is simply no longer loved.

(5) Other things are always more important than you.

In long-term relationships, it almost always happens that after the initial infatuation fades, work and everyday life increasingly take center stage again. The urgency of constantly 'having' to see each other inevitably diminishes.

However, if your partner starts constantly standing you up and always prioritizing other things (even obviously small and unimportant ones) over you and your time together, this could indicate that their love has diminished.

(6) He is less empathetic.

When someone we love is unwell, we empathize with them. We feel the need to hug and comfort them.

A typical sign that a man no longer loves a woman (or vice versa: a woman no longer loves a man) in a relationship is that one has become increasingly indifferent to the other's feelings.

Perhaps you are sad or hurt. In the past, he would surely have taken you in his arms and tried to help you in this situation. Today, he only shows superficial concern, perhaps he even ignores your feelings or is even annoyed by them.

(7) He is distancing himself from you.

Everyone has times when they want to be alone and undisturbed. If this need and the corresponding behavior (withdrawal) become more frequent in your partner, meaning they are increasingly distancing themselves from you, it could mean that they love you less or not at all.

(8) He often rejects you.

As already mentioned, sex, passion, and tenderness almost automatically diminish a little in any long-term relationship. However, if your partner barely responds to your advances and outright rejects you when you try to get physically (or emotionally) closer to him, this could be a sign that he may no longer love you.

(9) He openly admits that he loves you less

At this point, it's almost no longer a sign. If your partner tells you explicitly that their feelings have faded, that means: red alert.

If he hasn't yet clearly stated that he wants to end the relationship, all is not necessarily lost, but you should act immediately. We'll discuss what that could mean in more detail shortly.

(10) He fell in love with someone else

Unfortunately, falling in love with someone else and infidelity are among the most common reasons for breakups. This is partly due to misunderstandings about "love" and "being in love" that exist in our society. We have dedicated two detailed blog articles to this topic.

For someone who has fallen in love with someone else, the article " In Love Despite Being in a Relationship - What You Absolutely Should and Shouldn't Do Now " can help them sort things out emotionally. The person who has been cheated on can learn in the article " Forgiving an Affair " what the most important "dos and don'ts" are in this exceptional situation, so that the situation doesn't escalate further and as many options for action as possible remain open.

Does he still love me? - The 7 most common misunderstandings

After comparing 10 signs of love with 10 warning signs that love may be fading or has already been lost, you may be able to better assess how your partner's affection for you has developed.

Before we delve into specific courses of action, we'd like to clear up a few common misconceptions. We humans often tend to take things personally and misinterpret them when they don't actually relate to us.

Below you will learn about the typical misinterpretations that can lead us astray, so that the agonizing question suddenly hangs threateningly in the air: "Does he still love me?" "Am I still important to him?" - even though the partner's behavior cannot be explained by a lack of love at all.

(1) Different love languages

Everyone loves differently. One person can't tell their partner often enough how they feel, another shows their love through touch, and yet another would prefer to spend as much time as possible with their loved one.

One couple therapy concept that simplifies the presentation of these differences is "The 5 Love Languages" by American relationship counselor Gary Chapman.

If you're unfamiliar with this or similar concepts and don't know which 'love language' you and your partner speak, it can easily happen that you're talking past each other when it comes to love. You might both think the other person isn't reciprocating your love – when in reality, they're simply expressing it differently.

If you would like to find out which love language is your native language, you can take a free test here: The '5 Love Languages' - explained by couples therapists .

(2) Love without being in love

Romantic films like Titanic don't usually show "love" at all - but rather "infatuation", namely the initial phase of a relationship or affair, in which the butterflies in our stomach make us lose our heads, in which all our thoughts revolve around the other person and we can't keep our hands off each other.

This is misleading for two reasons:

1. This cocktail of emotions fades after a few weeks, months, or at the latest years (but that's when real love begins!).
2. Not every good love relationship has a dramatic beginning. A relationship without initial infatuation can also work perfectly well.

So don't make the mistake of asking yourself "Does he still love me?" just because he isn't (anymore) as hormonally driven crazy about you as is portrayed in pop culture.

(3) Dormant relationship

Relationships, in most cases, don't simply "work on their own." Those who want to experience lasting intimacy, tenderness, and passion must actively nurture their love and make time for breaks from the daily grind.

If you neglect your time as a couple, everyday life usually takes over more and more until the relationship is just a shadow of its former self. Naturally, we then ask ourselves: "Do I still love him?" and "Does he still love me?" Because in everyday life, there's hardly any trace of it left...

Try to "wake up" your relationship regularly if it's in danger of falling asleep or has already fallen asleep. You can find out how to do this in the article: "Help! My relationship has fallen asleep."

(4) He simply no longer has any desire for sex

If your partner no longer wants to have sex , this can (as mentioned above) be a sign that he no longer loves you. However, this doesn't have to be the case. It might have nothing to do with you at all, but rather be due to one of the reasons we summarized for you in the blog article "Lack of Sexual Desire in Men" .

(5) Constant arguments put a strain on your relationship

Your partner may also be withdrawing further and further, as the constant arguments are taking a heavy toll on them as well. In this case, you shouldn't ask yourself, "Does he still love me?" but rather try to get the frequent arguments under control first. You can find out how to do this here: Constant arguments in your relationship? Here's what you should know!

(6) Too little time

This is also one of the most common misunderstandings when the question "Does he still love me?" suddenly arises: They simply don't have enough time in the relationship .

This could be a sign that the relationship is no longer important enough to your partner. However, there could also be a whole host of other reasons.

(7) Stress

Someone who is under acute stress may not be interested in tenderness or passion.

Whether it's due to too much work, family challenges, or other matters that are holding your partner in a tight grip: Perhaps your partner is still as attached to you and your relationship as ever - but simply can't really show it at the moment.

What can you do to save your relationship?

At this point, we would like to ask you a question and ask you to answer it as honestly as possible:

How much (and what) have you recently invested in your relationship?

Have you made a concerted effort to connect with your partner in recent weeks and months, striving for their affection and investing in your relationship – but they haven't appreciated your efforts or reciprocated positively? Then we recommend:

Focus more on yourself first. Maintain your own identity. Perhaps (re)engage in more exercise, start a new hobby, advance your career, or spend quality time with friends.

Your partner will notice this after a while, most likely become curious, and then take a step towards you again. If he truly has lost interest in you and your relationship, you will be in the best possible position to prepare for a possible breakup and eventually start afresh with confidence.

However, if you have recently invested less in the relationship yourself, then our advice is quite different, namely:

Take action! Make a concerted effort for your partner and your relationship. Act in such a way that you can look in the mirror later and say, "I really tried everything." In many cases, a relationship on the rocks can still be saved if one partner (in this case, you) becomes active again and starts to turn things around. And if, even with your increased commitment, you don't succeed in rekindling your dormant love, then you're doing something invaluable for yourself and your peace of mind! Because you'll never have to torment yourself later with agonizing thoughts like, "What if I had only...?"

Your step-by-step plan to save the relationship

If you would like concrete guidance on how to put your relationship back on a stable foundation and can most likely leave questions like "Does he still love me?" behind you, we would like to recommend our scientifically based CoupleBalance online coaching .

PaarBalance is the only scientifically verified, interactive online program for improving couple relationships in German-speaking countries that can be carried out by the individual partner.

Over 18 sessions, you will receive practical recommendations and concrete suggestions and tips on how to improve the quality of your relationship and rediscover ease and joy in life. Before the coaching begins, you can take the (free) CoupleBalance relationship test to receive in-depth feedback on your resources as a couple and where there is specific potential for improvement.

The final answer to the question "Does he still love me?"

To truly answer the question "Does he still love me?" in a satisfactory way, there is only one way (you can probably already guess...):

Open communication. Talk to your partner about how you feel.

It is crucial (especially in a tense situation) not to make any accusations! Otherwise, there is a high risk that he will become defensive or go on the offensive, and no constructive conversation will take place.

At the same time, you don't need to approach the exchange from the position of a supplicant, like "Please, please, love me!" See it this way: You are taking responsibility for your own well-being and therefore want to ensure clarity and open communication. This is a sign of self-care and, consequently, self-confidence.

Perhaps you're avoiding open communication with your partner because you're afraid of his answer. As understandable as that is, it won't help. If he truly no longer loves you, you'll find out all the more painfully later. And if he still loves you, then you should find out as soon as possible – because then you'll finally have peace (again) in your emotional turmoil.

Start your self-test now

We wish you all the best from the bottom of our hearts!

Your Prof. Dr. Ludwig Schindler & the PaarBalance team

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