Marriage therapy: Yes or no? The best tips for your decision!

Those who marry have great faith in love...

...is full of hope.
...senses the deeper meaning of having found this particular person.
...believes in his capacity for relationships.

As newlyweds, we naturally assume that we will have a lasting, loving, and stable relationship, indeed – that we will stay with our partner “until death do us part” (even if that always sounds a bit martial... 😅. But: “ bond for life ” indeed...).

Most couples on their wedding day are full of confidence that they will never be among the countless divorced couples. They treat each other with kindness , have a great deal of understanding for one another, and are convinced that they can rely on each other for the rest of their lives .

And if there should be any major challenges? Then, of course, they will remain in close emotional contact and work together to find fair solutions.

But then what? - The complexities of everyday life regularly put all relationships to the test. Between organizing work, household chores, finances, leisure time, family ties, raising children, etc., good intentions are increasingly forgotten.

It's not uncommon for serious crises to erupt at some point. Goodwill and respect diminish, while irritation and dissatisfaction increase. Both partners become more sensitive. Trifles lead to arguments . Interest in the other person dwindles, and the feeling of connection and security fades. Neither feels seen, valued, or loved anymore. Both blame the other. The great " re-education program " has long since begun: Each wants the other to be different.

Eternal contentment, happiness, and love? - Not a chance!

When being together brings more frustration than joy, the thought of separation and divorce (understandably!) eventually arises for one or both partners ... Or (fortunately!) first, marriage therapy and couples counseling .

What about you? Are you currently at such a point?

• Are you unhappy with how you treat each other?
• Are you unsure how to proceed with your relationship?
• Would you like to know if marriage counseling might be right for you in your current situation?

Below we will answer the most important questions about counselling services and marriage therapy , so that you can make the right decision for yourself and take concrete next steps as soon as possible :

• When is marriage therapy/counseling advisable?
• What conditions should be met for marriage counseling?
• Who offers marriage counseling?
• What happens in marriage therapy?
• What forms of marriage counseling are there?
• What costs do married couples incur?
• Are there alternatives to in-person marriage counseling?

In love, engaged, married... – divorced?

If you are currently dealing with the topic of separation or divorce , you are not alone: ​​Divorce rates in Germany fluctuate between 30 and 50 percent - meaning that every second to third marriage now ends in divorce (the separation rate for unmarried couples is significantly higher).

Even though divorces have become "normal" in this respect, a divorce is one of the most painful and consequential biographical turning points in a life .

Therefore, no couple should rush into a final separation. Even if serious marital problems have existed for some time, it is advisable for the vast majority of couples (especially when children are involved) to give their relationship another genuine chance. It is almost always worthwhile to make a serious attempt to save the marriage – even if, in the end, the decision is made not to continue on this path together.

For one's own life satisfaction, it is of utmost importance not to have to struggle later with nagging inner voices such as: 

• Shouldn't we have tried again?
• "Is it my fault that we couldn't find a better way out?"
• "Did we give up too quickly?"
• "Would we and the children be better off if we had pulled ourselves together back then?"

Professional couples counseling is designed precisely for this purpose: to help you gain the greatest possible clarity about which further decisions are most likely to be the best for your future life.

When is marriage therapy/counseling advisable?

In principle, marriage counseling/therapy is always indicated when a married couple is confronted with stressful relationship problems that they can no longer solve on their own .

It is (high) time for professional help if...

• the conflicts have been ongoing for some time or are escalating,
• Communication has generally become complicated or
• (in the worst case) one of the partners is already thinking about divorce .

Better sooner than later!

Marriage counselling is of course not only suitable as a "last resort" when the relationship is already on the verge of collapse (although many couples unfortunately only consider it then).

It makes far more sense to give a professional consultant the chance to intervene constructively as early as possible – ideally when the conflicts have not yet escalated.

Studies show that starting therapy earlier increases the chances of success and reduces the duration of treatment – ​​and this makes perfect sense: the more resources a couple still has, the easier it is to change the relationship in a positive direction. Such positive resources include, for example, general goodwill, memories of happy shared experiences, or a shared sense of humor.

Is it already too late for us?

Perhaps your marriage has long been plagued by persistent problems, and the arguments are escalating. This might make it difficult for you to find anything positive in your relationship. You may feel that the problems, the anger towards each other, or the tension have already overshadowed all pleasant experiences and positive feelings, and you're wondering: "Is it too late for marriage counseling in our case?"

To answer this question for yourself, it is important that you look at the current state of your relationship as objectively as possible:

• Do you still have strengths and resources? Which ones? Have you perhaps lost sight of what you are "good" at together?
• What do you perceive as your biggest problem areas? How many are there really?

You can find out using the scientifically based PaarBalance relationship test (quick, non-binding & free).

Immediately afterwards, you will receive a comprehensive overview in a relationship profile tailored to you personally, outlining what positive aspects (still) exist in your relationship and what your biggest "problem areas" are as a couple .

What conditions should be met for marriage counseling?

Even the best marriage counseling in the world cannot save a relationship if key prerequisites are no longer met, such as:

1. Beide können sich prinzipiell vorstellen, zusammenzubleiben.
   Das heißt: Liegt einem der Partner nichts mehr an der Beziehung und möchte er den anderen nur noch "loswerden", haben Paartherapien keine Erfolgsaussichten.
   

2. Prinzipiell will sich jeder Ehepartner dem anderen gegenüber öffnen.
   Das heißt: Nur, wenn beide bereit sind, die eigenen Wünsche und Bedürfnisse ehrlich mitzuteilen, kann der andere sie verstehen und erfüllen. Sich zu öffnen, fällt allerdings vielen Menschen schwer, da sie sich dabei verletzlich machen. Wenn trotzdem beide grundsätzlich dazu bereit sind, sich hinter die Kulissen schauen zu lassen, kann der Paartherapeut dabei unterstützen, dass Selbstöffnung im geschützten Rahmen des Therapiesettings eingeübt und positive Erfahrungen damit gemacht werden. So kann das Vertrauen nach und nach wiederhergestellt bzw. gestärkt werden.
   

3. Beide Ehepartner sind prinzipiell bereit, eingefahrene Einstellungen und Muster, die der Partnerschaft schaden, zu verändern und Neues auszuprobieren.
   Das heißt: Beide müssen ihren eigenen, persönlichen Beitrag zur Verbesserung der Atmosphäre leisten wollen und nicht ausschließlich darauf hinarbeiten, dass sich einzig und allein der andere verändern möge.
   
   Wichtig: Fast nie sind beide Eheleute zum selben Zeitpunkt gleich motiviert, eigene beziehungsschädigende Einstellungen und Verhaltensmuster genauer unter die Lupe zu nehmen. Das ist ganz normal - und der Start einer Paarberatung sollte nicht an diesem anfänglichen Ungleichgewicht scheitern. Also selbst, wenn einer der beiden Ehepartner zunächst noch an einigen destruktiven Verhaltensweisen festhält, bedeutet das nicht automatisch, dass die Beziehung zum Scheitern verurteilt ist. Es sollte allerdings nach dem Warum gefragt werden:

   • Fehlt die Motivation, sich dem Partner und der Ehe zuliebe zu verändern, weil noch zu viel Frust aufgrund vergangener Verletzungen im Raum steht?
     -> In diesem Fall braucht es zunächst die "Versorgung" vergangener Wunden, die Beschäftigung mit dem Thema Vergebung sowie einen behutsamen Motivationsaufbau.
     

   • Fallen bestimmte Veränderungen ganz besonders schwer?
     -> Hier könnte nach Alternativen gesucht werden, die besser umsetzbar, aber ähnlich hilfreich sind.

Wer bietet Ehetherapien an?

Da der Begriff „Ehetherapeut“ in Deutschland nicht gesetzlich geschützt ist, werden Ehetherapien von vielen unterschiedlichen Berufsgruppen angeboten. Ehetherapeut ist also nicht gleich Ehetherapeut. Achten Sie daher auf die fachliche Qualifikation, wenn Sie auf der Suche nach einem für Sie passenden Ehetherapeuten sind.

Beim Titel „Psychotherapeut“ können Sie davon ausgehen, dass ein Psychologie- oder (in selteneren Fällen) ein Medizinstudium sowie eine psychotherapeutische Weiterbildung absolviert wurden. Der Zusatz "HeilprG" bedeutet, dass eine Ausbildung zum Heilpraktiker mit einer entsprechenden Abschlussprüfung durchlaufen wurde.

Achten Sie zusätzlich darauf, ob der Ehetherapeut eine institutionelle Weiterbildung durchlaufen und Berufserfahrung gesammelt hat, die ihn explizit für die Arbeit mit Paaren qualifiziert. Das kann zum Beispiel eine umfassende Weiterbildung in Paarberatung, Familien- und/oder Sexualberatung sein. Darüber hinaus ist die Information über eine kontinuierliche Teilnahme an Fortbildungen, Intervisionen und Supervisionen wünschenswert.

Neben der fachlichen Qualifikation braucht es auch eine tragfähige persönliche Ebene für einen erfolgreichen Therapieprozess. Suchen Sie unbedingt nach einem Therapeuten, der Ihnen sympathisch ist, dem Sie vertrauen und bei dem Sie „ein gutes Gefühl“ haben. Sie werden mit dieser Person über Ihre intimsten Gedanken und Erlebnisse sprechen. Das kann nur gelingen, wenn Sie sich dabei wohl fühlen.

Was passiert in einer Ehetherapie?

Ehetherapien kann man sich wie moderierte Gespräche zwischen den Eheleuten vorstellen. Obwohl jede Behandlung individuell ist und verschiedene Therapeuten unterschiedlich arbeiten, sieht der "typische" Ablauf in etwa so aus:

1. Der Paartherapeut arbeitet zunächst mit dem Ehepaar heraus, in welchen Bereichen die Schwierigkeiten liegen, ob es noch nicht verheilte Verletzungen gibt und bei welchen Themen es zu Konflikten kommt.

2. Danach unterstützt er beide Partner dabei, zu formulieren, was sich jeder (in diesen Bereichen aber auch von der Ehe insgesamt) wünscht und welche Bedürfnisse beide Eheleute haben (möglichst ohne Schuldzuweisungen).

3. Nach und nach werden die evidenzbasierten "Dos & Dont's" aus der Beziehungsforschung vermittelt, die entscheidend dafür sind, aus alten Beziehungsmustern aussteigen und ein zufriedenes Miteinander gestalten zu können.

4. Der Blick wird auf Stärken und Ressourcen beider Eheleute und der Beziehung insgesamt gelenkt, die bei der Lösung der Beziehungsprobleme helfen können.

5. Schließlich werden gemeinsam Lösungswege gesucht, die im Paaralltag anwendbar sein müssen.

6. Diese werden mit dem Paar immer wieder besprochen und - falls möglich - eingeübt. Es wird regelmäßig geprüft, wie sich beide damit fühlen und ob sich die Beziehung auch wirklich in die von ihnen gewünschte Richtung verändert.

Indem die Ehepartner dazu angeleitet werden, festgefahrene Denk- und Verhaltensmuster zu verlassen, Dinge aus einem anderen Blickwinkel zu betrachten, genau hinzuspüren, wie es ihnen mit dem Perspektivenwechsel jeweils geht und ihre Eindrücke und Empfindungen in Worte zu fassen, wird das Verständnis füreinander immer weiter vertieft.

Wichtig: Der Therapeut darf sich niemals auf die Seite von einem der beiden Beziehungspartner "schlagen", sondern muss sich seine neutrale Vermittlerrolle bewahren und beide Seiten aufmerksam im Blick behalten.

Wenn beide Ehepartner damit zufrieden sind, wie sich ihre Paarbeziehung entwickelt hat und sie das Gefühl haben, auch mit potentiellen künftigen Herausforderungen als wohlwollendes Team zurecht kommen zu können, wird die Therapie in der Regel behutsam "ausgeschlichen" - d.h. die Abstände zwischen den Terminen vergrößern sich, bis die Begleitung einvernehmlich beendet wird.

Sollte sich im Verlauf der Therapiesitzungen herausstellen, dass es unlösbare Differenzen gibt, können die Beteiligten auch zu dem Schluss kommen, dass "Scheidung" tatsächlich der bessere Weg ist. In diesem Fall kann der Therapeut die Trennung begleiten und dabei unterstützen, einen "geordneten" Scheidungsprozess durchzuführen. Ehetherapien arbeiten also nicht auf ein „Zusammenbleiben um jeden Preis“ hin. 

Werden Kinder mit einbezogen?

Ob ein Kind in einen Therapieprozess einbezogen wird oder nicht, hängt von der individuellen Situation und den Wünschen des Paares (bzw. auch dem Kind selbst) ab. In vielen Fällen kann es sinnvoll sein, die Kinder zu integrieren. Schließlich existiert die Ehe nicht losgelöst von der Familie: Erziehung und Zusammenleben mit den Kindern beeinflussen die elterlichen Beziehungen; Streitigkeiten zwischen den Eltern haben zugleich auch Auswirkungen auf die Entwicklung und den gemeinsamen Alltag. Daher kann es auch eine Option sein, statt Paartherapie Familientherapie zu machen. Je nach Art, Schwere und Länge der Konflikte steht dann nicht nur das Ehepaar, sondern die gesamte Familie und ihr Zusammenleben im Fokus. Besonders, wenn es (auch) regelmäßig zu heftigem Streit zwischen Eltern und Kindern kommt oder die Kinder die Streitigkeiten zwischen den Eltern häufig miterleben müssen, kann Familientherapie die passendere Wahl sein.

Within this framework, the feelings, viewpoints, and concerns of the youngest children can be explored in an age-appropriate manner and incorporated into problem-solving. Particularly sensitive or inappropriate topics (for example, parents' sexual difficulties) should be discussed without the children present. Most couples therapists do not automatically offer family therapy; therefore, it is advisable to specifically seek out a family therapist or a local counseling center (e.g., marriage, family, and life counseling centers ).

What topics will be covered?

In principle, the content of the consultation process is tailored to the individual clients and their specific problem areas. Common topics include:

• lack of mutual respect ,
• Misunderstandings in communication ,
• escalating conflicts ,
• dealing with past injuries , stress , and being overwhelmed ,
• sexual problems (if sexuality is the central issue in the relationship problems, specific sex therapy may be recommended),
• Infidelity of one or both partners,
• Changes regarding previous values ​​and life plans .

Ultimately, you as a married couple decide which topics will be covered in your therapy sessions.

What forms of marriage counseling are there?

Among the best-known and most widespread approaches are cognitive-behavioral, systemic, and emotion-focused couple therapy.

• Cognitive -behavioral couples therapy is a scientifically based method that aims to ensure high-quality counseling through the latest research and continuous development.
  
  The goal is to facilitate deep insights into the underlying problems and strengthen the couple's coping skills. The more compassionate and open the communication between partners and the clearer their understanding of how to constructively manage problems and everyday stress, the more positive (in terms of loving and satisfying) their relationship will be. The necessary skills can be learned and reinforced and expanded in couples therapy.
  
  The behavioral approach is simultaneously
  resource-oriented , meaning the couple's strengths are identified with the goal of empowering them to help themselves;
  problem-oriented , meaning the couple's pain points and challenges are understood and addressed; and
  goal-oriented , meaning the couple, together with the therapist, defines goals to be achieved during the course of treatment.
• Systemic couples therapy is a scientifically recognized method for supporting couples with recurring relationship conflicts.
  
  In systemic approaches, a person is never viewed in isolation , but always within the context of their relationships . Thus, a couple is also seen as a system of two individuals who develop and change within their partnership. Therefore, systemic couples counseling never involves only one spouse, but always works with both partners. You can find more detailed information here .
• Emotionally focused couples therapy is also a structured treatment method whose effectiveness has been scientifically proven.
  
  The central element of the treatment is working with the feelings of both partners . According to the underlying theory, whether or not an experience has any significance for a person depends on the feelings it triggers. Accordingly, emotionally focused couples therapy is based on the fundamental assumption that feelings significantly influence our behavior . You can find more information in this article .

First, learn about different approaches and procedures to find the method that best suits you, your spouse, your relationship, and your individual relationship conflicts.

An overview of different approaches to relationship counseling can also be found in the following articles:

• Couples therapy: When is it appropriate? Process, methods & costs
• Marriage counselling: A great opportunity for resolving partnership problems and relationship crises
• Couples counseling - Can it save our relationship?

What costs do married couples incur?

Unfortunately, the costs of marriage and couples therapy are not covered by health insurance and must be borne by the couples themselves. The exact amount of these costs cannot be stated generally. They depend on:

• The hourly rate of the marriage therapist . Each marriage therapist working in private practice generally sets their own prices. These typically range between approximately 100 and 220 euros per session, with each session lasting between 50 and 120 minutes, depending on the method and the therapist's approach.

• The total duration of treatment depends on the number of therapy sessions a couple requires. This is always decided in consultation with the therapist. It depends on the nature and severity of the relationship conflicts, the couple's resources, and the progress of the therapy. Experience shows that most couples require between 8 and 18 sessions.

Therefore, the total costs amount to approximately 800 to 3900 euros, depending on the circumstances.

Are there alternatives to in-person marriage counseling?

If you are interested in personal marriage counseling but are unsure where to find the right support, we recommend besser:lieben . Through this platform, you gain access to qualified counselors who will provide individual support – online or in person. This allows you to choose the support that best suits your situation.

Perhaps reading this article has given you the impression that your marriage could benefit from professional support, but you don't currently consider traditional in-person marriage counseling feasible. There are also proven options available for this situation.

Help for self-help

If in-person couples therapy isn't currently feasible for you or your partner, a self-help tool could be the ideal solution . Scientifically based online methods are particularly popular because they offer several advantages: they can be used flexibly , anytime , and anywhere, independently – regardless of a therapist's office hours. Videos, quizzes, interactive exercises, and various motivational aids provide numerous "aha" moments and help you stay on track and consistently implement your goals.

You can use an online tool

• learn at your own pace
• Repeat particularly inspiring lessons at any time and
• Focus your personal priorities on precisely those areas that are relevant to your individual relationship.

One such online coaching method is PaarBalance.

What is Couple Balance?

PaarBalance is the only scientifically verified, interactive online coaching program for improving couple relationships in German-speaking countries, which can also be used by the individual partner .

Through 18 humorous lessons, the most important ingredients for stable and enriching long-term relationships are presented in easily implementable portions. The best recommendations from relationship research are summarized so concisely that they can be applied immediately.

Therapy instead of separation

Studies show that only about 10 percent of all divorced couples sought professional support before their separation. At the same time, however, about two-thirds of all couples therapies are successful, meaning that two out of three couples experience a significant improvement in their relationship quality through joint therapeutic intervention and decide to stay together.

This means that, in all likelihood, many divorces could be prevented if more married couples in crisis sought help from a therapist.

Do it better:

Take advantage of the opportunity offered by professional help. Whether face-to-face support or self-directed (online) coaching is the right method for you is entirely up to you.

You have every reason to be confident: you can manage to solve your relationship problems and save your marriage - instead of painfully losing everything that was once precious to you through a divorce.

Take the crucial first step now.