Saving your relationship: Here’s how! The best tips from couples therapists.

Arguments, jealousy, or lack of affection: there are many reasons why couples can find themselves in a serious relationship crisis that brings them to the brink of separation. Then the question arises: "Is our relationship even salvageable?"

And if so: How?!"

Should I save my relationship or end it?

Before we consider how to save a partnership that has gone off the rails, the question arises whether this is even desirable and wise.

From the perspective of relationship research and decades of practical experience, this question can be answered quickly and clearly:

Yes! It is (almost always) worth giving your relationship another real chance and truly fighting for the life you have shared so far, the time you have spent together, the love that has grown – for everything you have experienced together.

Breakups are among the most traumatic events in life. They can leave wounds that take years to heal. Couples often overestimate the relief they hope to gain from a separation (less arguing; no one to blame them; no endless discussions about problems; being able to stay at work as late as they want; no one who thinks they know best how things should be done; a life precisely tailored to their own needs; no constant compromises , etc.) and therefore underestimate the extent of suffering, pain, and loss that accompanies a breakup.

Furthermore, relationship problems often have nothing to do with two people no longer being "compatible." Often, destructive behavior patterns and false beliefs about how relationships work are the root cause of conflicts and lead to a couple's crisis. If these disruptive factors are identified and addressed, struggling relationships can recover surprisingly quickly. Therefore, the following motto should always apply:

"It's better to experience something new with your old partner than to experience the same old things with a new partner ."

Of course, not all relationship situations can be generalized. Therefore, we would like to address the most common reasons why couples one day find themselves confronted with these consequential questions:

• "Is our relationship still salvageable or is a breakup inevitable?"

• Does it make sense to continue our lives together as a couple – or should we try to be happier in separate new relationships?

Saving a relationship when feelings are gone?

Many partners find at some point during a long relationship that love, passion, and a sense of "we" have largely disappeared. It usually sounds something like this:

• "We almost only live side by side now."

• "Sex has been dormant for a while now."

• "We hardly ever talk to each other about important things anymore."

• "Common interests? We haven't cultivated those at all anymore."

• "No one really responds to the needs of others anymore."

• "We hardly spend any happy time together anymore."

• "Most of the time we talk past each other."

• "Tenderness? There's not much of that left."

It may sound surprising, but: You have a good chance!

Rekindling a dormant love and reconnecting with happy times is far easier than overcoming a profound relationship crisis with serious hurt. Most of the time, the love isn't completely gone, but has merely faded into the background.

Perhaps you're thinking now: "If it's supposedly so 'easy' to repair loveless relationships, why haven't we managed to do it ourselves long ago? What's the reason? Is it me? He/she? Both of us? Is it because humans are inherently inflexible?"

Habit, everyday stress, chronic work pressure, lack of relationship knowledge, or too little time together – there are many reasons why couples might one day no longer feel their former passion and love. Sometimes it's one item, sometimes another on the long to-do list that's the reason why the 'relationship' is once again neglected:

Spending quality time together ? Cooking together ? Enjoying a leisurely meal together? Sharing all about the day's events? Discussing intimate thoughts and desires? Opening up to each other? Cuddling again ? Walking hand in hand ? Going out ?

And remember: turn off your phones. No nagging. No need to snipe. No "Why haven't you..." or "Can't you finally remember..."

When was the last time you created space for such undisturbed moments as a couple?

It requires a conscious decision by both partners to give top priority to the relationship again and to treat each other with care and respect.

Rekindling those good feelings is almost always possible – provided both partners want it!

Even if initially only one of them clearly sees that times are anything but rosy, or even if there are signs of a possible separation in the air: If
one of them consistently starts to take the bull of lovelessness by the horns and gradually change all the things that have gone awry, then the other will most likely follow suit.

We've dedicated a detailed blog post to the topic "Can happy relationships exist when infatuation is gone (or perhaps was never truly there)?" If you find yourself in a situation where love, intimacy, sex, and passion have faded and are (currently) no longer felt, you'll likely find helpful insights here: Relationship without initial infatuation 

Our recommendation:

Feel free to use the (free) CoupleBalance relationship test to gain as much clarity as possible about the individual strengths and weaknesses in your relationship.

Your personal relationship profile will then provide you with targeted answers to the following questions:

"Hot topics"

• Which topics are particularly 'sensitive' for us?
• Are there any signs of an impending crisis that I might not even be aware of yet?

"Resources"

• Which areas and content within our partnership are currently running smoothly?
• Perhaps we have shared strengths in our relationship that I haven't paid enough attention to so far?

Should you stay in a relationship if your partner no longer wants to?

As already mentioned: Rekindling dormant feelings is almost always possible if both partners desire it. – But what if your partner no longer wants it at all ?

It is almost impossible to convince another person with arguments and 'logic' to remain in the partnership against their will.

Why? If the other person has taken stock and mentally checked out – perhaps because they now only experience the relationship as a source of stress and work, and the entire being together as a chronic crisis – then no amount of talking, reassurances, promises, begging, or pleading will help anymore. At some point, the other person simply stops believing the mantra: "From now on, everything will be different! Absolutely! I promise!"

However, what can usually lead the partner – at a slightly earlier stage – to give the relationship another chance is the experience of new, beautiful, shared moments – without arguments, stress, or teasing.

Take the initiative! Consistently and decisively. With gestures and actions.

Show him or her how wonderful time together can be. Stop just talking about what needs to be improved (for example, after an argument), and instead experience how it feels for both of you when you start giving it your all, i.e.,

• Remain respectful under all circumstances,

• Respond to the needs and suggestions of your partner whenever possible,

• Give your relationship top priority.

Remember how loving the communication is when a relationship is new. How natural it is to support each other. How clearly and precisely promises and agreed-upon times are kept. How much you would both love to spend all your free time together. How much joy it brings each of you when the other is happy.

The "pampering experiment" often works wonders.

You'll be surprised at the difference it makes if you consistently focus on showing consideration and communicating kindly with each other from now on, and on regularly spending quality time together and pampering each other as often as possible. With affection, attention, and loving gestures.

Do you wish for support and concrete guidance to truly stick with this plan and (re)establish a lasting, open, and constructive communication style? So that you can once again experience your life together as a source of strength? – Without falling back into unhealthy relationship patterns?

Then I can highly recommend the PaarBalance program – online couples therapy for individual partners: It's the only scientifically validated online relationship coaching program of its kind in the German-speaking world. The tool can be used by both partners simultaneously or by one partner entirely on their own.

If you feel this applies to you, you can find out more about how PaarBalance works on the following page: www.paarbalance.de .

Saving a relationship amidst constant arguments?

Many couples eventually feel that there are more negative than positive moments in their relationship. Disagreements and misunderstandings become more frequent, arguments and dissatisfaction increase.

Conflicts escalate more quickly – and at least one partner eventually feels like they can't please the other anymore. Each increasingly feels isolated and alone together.

From our decades of work with countless couples, we can say one thing for sure: In a fight, both partners always suffer.

What "dos and don'ts" should you keep in mind to stop the negative spiral of escalating arguments and improve your relationship? Find out in the blog article: Constant arguments in your relationship? Here's what you should know!

Saving a relationship despite an affair?

An affair or infidelity by a beloved partner shakes our relationship like nothing else. It pulls the rug out from under us, turning our love and trust upside down.

Infidelity is one of the most common reasons for a breakup.
But: It doesn't have to come to that!

One of the most common misconceptions of people who have been cheated on by their partner is: "I am powerless in this situation and can do nothing!"

That's not true! Even if you find it hard to believe:

The betrayed party almost always holds the cards initially!

However hopeless the situation may feel, all is not lost. We have witnessed countless times how people have overcome even the most severe relationship crises (such as those caused by infidelity and cheating) and ultimately regained stability. Therefore, we are firmly convinced:

You too will find the right way out of this crisis!
And probably not only that: you will most likely even emerge stronger from this mess – even if you initially struggle with anger, despair, and feelings of powerlessness.

5 things you should do now if your partner has cheated on you:

1. Stay calm

Because: All is not lost.
A bond that has grown strong cannot be shaken off quickly – not even by your partner. Take deep breaths again and again and try – despite the emotional turmoil – to remain as calm as possible.

2. Don't make rash decisions.

No one is putting a gun to your head. Especially in such an exceptional situation, you shouldn't make decisions that have far-reaching consequences for your life. Acute anger and rage are not good advisors when making crucial decisions. Relieving the pressure, however, helps.

3. Only inform a select few people about the current situation.

Think carefully about who can help you when anger and despair threaten to overwhelm you.
Don't tell too many people about your current exceptional situation, but initially only those close to you whom you trust completely.

4. Try to accept your current stage of life.

Many people have been cheated on, weathered this phase of their lives, and are happy again today (like Emma, ​​who shares in our audio program "Taboo Topic: Affairs" how she ultimately managed to cope successfully with this situation). Have faith in your strengths, do everything that 'normally' makes you feel good and can help you take your mind off things (sports, delicious food, nature, enjoyable activities...). Even if you sometimes feel like you're 'driving with the handbrake on' and aren't really 'present' at times, spending time with others helps. Don't isolate yourself completely.

And 5:  Get all the good support you can!

No one benefits if you lock yourself away and suffer. You are not powerless, quite the opposite: Adopt the motto 'Now more than ever!' and 'Act instead of react!' and learn in our  audio program how you can regain control and navigate dangerous pitfalls: www.paarbalance.de/tabuthema-affaere

Saving a marriage – in good times and in bad?

To strengthen a marriage, especially during difficult times, it's important to focus on long-term shared goals. Marriage-specific challenges, such as managing joint finances or dealing with in-laws, require special attention. Renewing your vows can serve as a powerful symbol to solidify your bond. If you want to save your marriage , openness and communication between both partners are essential.

How to save a relationship with a child (or children)?

The (marital) crisis becomes even more complicated when children are involved. It's no longer just about your feelings and those of your partner, but also about the emotional well-being of your children.

It cannot be the right path to sacrifice one's own quality of life out of a sense of duty. But your child/children should be an additional motivator to overcome your relationship crisis and do everything in your power to steer your partnership onto a permanently positive path.

Especially in your situation - when so much is at stake - we can only advise you to give your relationship (and therefore your family) another real chance.

Ideally, you should make the goal "We want to enjoy our relationship again as a couple and family!" the most important project in your life for a certain period (ideally about 3 months). Do everything you can to improve the quality of your relationship.

The great thing about this "love project" is that your efforts pay off directly. If you tackle it with determination, you'll notice a significant improvement in your quality of life within just a few days – and possibly also in the mood of your children, who will (consciously or subconsciously) perceive the changed atmosphere and react to it.

And even in the unlikely event that your efforts are unsuccessful and you cannot save your partnership: you will later be grateful to yourself for having 'given it your all'.

There is hardly anything worse than being plagued by doubts and guilt when it is too late, perhaps realizing you haven't done enough to save your relationship and family.

PaarBalance 's online couples therapy offers a concrete roadmap, based on couple research, on how you can best proceed within 3 months to (finally) experience a happy relationship instead of a painful separation.

With engaging video lessons, interactive exercises and concrete tasks, the program guides you step by step and in manageable units towards a relationship characterized by closeness, trust and love.

Saving a relationship despite violence? - Beware!

One of the few cases in which we don't advise trying to save the relationship is when violence is involved. If your partner becomes physically abusive during conflicts, you must protect yourself.

Experience shows that partners who have already become abusive and violent usually cannot permanently control their aggression. This can have devastating consequences in the event of a major outburst of anger.

In this situation, the most important thing is to prioritize one's own health and safety. This usually requires maintaining a consistent distance and ending the relationship. Implementing this is particularly difficult in a situation characterized by fear and violence.

Therefore, be sure to seek professional help!

Here you will find emergency contact information and mediation services .

How do I save my relationship?

Do you feel how worthwhile it is to fight for your love and have decided to save your partnership with all the means at your disposal?

That makes us very happy!! 🙂

What happens next? What specific steps are needed?

The best tips to save your relationship

1. First, let the problems rest.
   Most couples fail because of the (false) assumption that they must resolve all conflicts before they are "allowed" to experience happy moments of closeness, intimacy, and love together again. But: It's exactly the opposite! It will be much easier for you and your partner to find solutions to challenges or differing needs together if there is harmony between you and you are both looking in the same direction. Let the conflicts rest completely for a few days and create beautiful moments together.
2. Focus on the things you appreciate about your partner.
   The human brain has a tendency to focus heavily on the negative. You can counteract this evolutionary thought pattern by, for example, writing down only the qualities you appreciate in your partner on a piece of paper. Such a small shift of your inner focus to the positive can immediately bring more intimacy back into your life as a couple. Perhaps you could even show them your notes? We all appreciate compliments...
3. Avoid arguments!
   The best way to manage conflict is to prevent it from arising in the first place. Imagine your relationship as a porcelain vase that gets more cracks and chips with every argument. Research on couples has shown that couples who constructively address differing needs and opinions and avoid conflict are significantly less prone to crises.
   
   As soon as you notice early signs of escalation, brainstorm a quick "rescue action" together. This could be an agreed-upon "safe word," a deliberate change of subject, or a lighthearted gesture.
4. Listen to your partner!
   Many people enjoy talking but prefer to let others do the listening. To overcome your current relationship crisis , it's essential that you listen to each other with empathy. Signal to your partner that you genuinely want to know how they are doing.
5. Be affectionate!
   We humans are physical beings. There's no more direct way to strengthen feelings of intimacy and connection than through affection. Even if it feels a little difficult right now, try kissing and hugging your partner regularly (again) – and not just fleetingly, but – listen up! – for several seconds each time. And yes – especially in everyday life... 😉

The "big conversation"

Perhaps you think that a big "relationship-saving talk" is needed. That you need to sit down together and discuss all the problems.

Yes, communication is important and you should talk to your partner about your respective needs.

But: Don't make the mistake of overanalyzing everything. It's usually better to cultivate acceptance of your partner's differences or personality traits instead of (continuing to) work on a "major re-education program." Instead, focus on spending as much quality time together as possible and creating the conditions for intimacy, love, and a truly harmonious relationship.

Communication will flow much more smoothly if the general atmosphere between you is good. So, for now, let go of the idea of ​​needing to have a long, clarifying conversation, and instead focus on creating a relaxed atmosphere.

Saving a relationship through distance?

Another approach many people choose in a threatened partnership is to create distance: distance from the relationship, the exhausting arguments, the mutual hurt – be it through less contact, clear rules for communication, or a temporary separation (<- as explained in more detail in this blog article).

Trying to save a relationship through distance can work – or it can lead to its final end. It depends on how you handle this phase.

If you both use this time apart to overcome personal baggage, reflect on yourselves, and work on yourselves, it can be beneficial for both partners and lay the foundation for saving the relationship. However, it's important to establish clear ground rules beforehand (e.g., regarding fidelity) to prevent further hurt.

However, if you secretly hope that time alone will heal all wounds and that the problems will disappear on their own, I must disappoint you:

Relationship problems cannot be overcome simply by distance.

Even if it is experienced as a short-term relief, there is a high probability of falling back into old patterns after the break.

A distancing strategy only makes sense if you discuss together how each of you could make your personal contribution to improving the relationship during this phase .

This is often easier said than done. Such conversations are very difficult to conduct in an emotionally charged situation and harbor a high potential for conflict.

For couples considering a break, we therefore recommend seeking professional support. Couples counseling, couples therapy, or online couples therapy like PaarBalance can effectively help sort through turbulent emotions, determine a suitable strategy, and establish ground rules for a potential time apart.

Your "save the relationship" strategy

We have compiled several proven recommendations that can help you save your relationship.

Overcoming a relationship crisis and finally enjoying happy moments together in everyday life instead of a painful separation is not something that can simply be conjured up out of thin air.

If your relationship is important to you, you should develop a strategy for how you can specifically strengthen your love in the coming weeks and months.

However, every good strategy begins with understanding one's starting position. This step is often skipped – yet it forms the foundation for all further actions.

We would like to support you in this.

You can also find helpful tips and suggestions in our article: Second Chance in a Relationship - How to Make a Fresh Start. ↗

Free test: (How) should I save my relationship?

The first step of the PaarBalance program is the scientifically developed relationship test by Prof. Dr. Ludwig Schindler and colleagues.

We would like to provide this to you (free of charge and without obligation).

You will answer questions about your relationship (for about 10 minutes). Immediately afterwards, you will receive a detailed analysis of where your relationship stands.

This concrete overview of how you experience  and shape your partnership will give you a much sharper view of your shared resources and challenges.

The relationship test serves as a basis for understanding exactly where you need to start in order to save your relationship.

The new beginning

Crises always present opportunities and can be the starting signal for a new beginning.

By examining past developments and patterns in the relationship and honestly confronting one's own wishes and needs, a positive transformation can take place, within which both partners can put their partnership back on a stable foundation, finally leave persistent problems behind, and experience a quality of open communication that may not have been known before.

However, this requires both partners to actively decide that they want to stay together and to embark on a (possibly lengthy and sometimes painful) process.

Saving a relationship with the right support

Have you decided to make a serious attempt to save your relationship? Do you want to give your love a real chance?

Then seek professional support! No one should be left alone in this life situation.

Anyone facing such a drastic decision (" Should we separate or try again? ") often feels like their relationship is currently a minefield. Both partners are in a state of emotional turmoil. Unfortunately, it's all too easy for those involved to stumble from one disaster to the next, triggering one explosion after another.

This minefield should be cleared as soon as possible.

However, you need to know exactly what you're doing and what you should definitely avoid – and having professional bomb disposal experts on your side certainly doesn't hurt. 😉

Ideally, the current 'danger zone' will gradually transform back into a lush green meadow where you can feel safe and comfortable.

Sounds utopian? It isn't. You can do it.

We will gladly accompany you through this difficult time until you feel solid ground beneath your feet again.

Warm greetings from

Yours sincerely, Dr. Judith Gastner & Prof. Dr. Ludwig Schindler