☝🏻 Quick start: Female lack of sexual desire - the 6 most common reasons
"Sorry, honey, but I just don't feel like it right now!"
Low libido is a sensitive topic.
Gender stereotypes, hurt feelings of the partner, blame, or incorrect conclusions on the part of men often make it difficult to understand why one day in bed there is only (grumpy) brooding or (frustrated) sleep – and above all, what it takes for both partners to feel more comfortable with the topic of eroticism again. According to current studies, low sexual desire affects many women, regardless of age. Whether in their 20s, 40s, or over 60s – the desire for intimacy with one's husband can diminish for a variety of reasons.
This article explores the most common causes of low libido and offers concrete suggestions on how to reignite it. It takes approximately 10 minutes to read.
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When is one speaking of loss of libido?
Loss of libido , i.e., the absence of erotic desire (also called 'appetence disorder' or 'sexual desire disorder'), is one of the so-called sexual dysfunctions and is characterized by a reduced sexual desire that lasts for a period of at least six months.
A recurring or persistent lack of erotic interest is typical. There is no desire for intimate contact.
A disturbance of desire should not be confused with an aversion (dislike), in which the very idea of intimate contact is associated with negative feelings (such as fear or disgust).
Sexual problems often arise in specific phases of a relationship, depending on the situation. They are usually temporary.
Loss of libido is a 'mass phenomenon'
More than a third of all women lose their desire for sex at some point in their lives - sometimes for a shorter period, but often for a longer period.
There are many reasons for a change in one's sex life. Serious physical or mental illnesses are rarely the cause, so treatment in the true sense is usually not necessary.
The good news
Sexual desire can almost always be rekindled. Most couples find a way in which both partners feel (more) comfortable with the type and frequency of physical closeness and intimacy.
So stay optimistic – and above all: as relaxed as possible!
Loss of libido: Both women and men can be affected.
Before we specifically address the topic of "sexual disinterest in women", we would like to take a look at the topic of "sex and passion in relationships in general".
Sexuality at the beginning of a relationship
Intense desire, deep longing, and exciting nights: this is how most newly in-love couples experience it. The happiness of having found each other is naturally reflected in physical intimacy.
Sex, eroticism, and intimacy characterize the first phase of a relationship. Life revolves around this new, unique love around the clock.
There is little (or perhaps nothing?) else that could make lovers happier than a romantic interlude with their sweetheart.
Especially among younger couples, this form of communication is usually even more important than among couples who met later in life.
The bodies 'speak' to each other almost constantly - and show with every kiss, every hug, every holding of hands, every caress, how important the other is to one another and how enriching and precious the new love is experienced.
When sexual desire diminishes
After a few months, but at the latest after one to two years, the importance of sexuality decreases (sometimes significantly) for the vast majority of couples, even if their shared eroticism was experienced as particularly exciting and loving.
Enjoying a leisurely weekend read of the newspaper, watching an exciting film at 8:15 pm, or savoring a long dinner – all of these things are gradually regaining their sex appeal. 😉
The fact that the vast majority of couples have less sexual intercourse over the years is therefore a completely natural development and initially no cause for concern.
But research shows that low libido is not uncommon among women in their 20s either. Younger couples, however, have less experience with long-term relationships in their lives (or have had the opportunity to gain it). And those who haven't yet extensively explored the topic of "changes in a committed relationship over time" (or can't draw on their own experiences) can understandably become uneasy when they suddenly realize: "Oh dear! It's gotten pretty quiet in our bedroom!"
And already the first questions start rattling off:
- "Isn't it the beginning of the end for many couples when the woman has no desire for sex?"
- "Could it be that she/he doesn't find me as attractive as before?"
- "Can you really believe that it's possible to help couples whose sex life has become stagnant, until the spark is back?"
This, and many other things, are now being pondered at length.
When listlessness is unevenly distributed
If the decrease in desire (which is to be expected according to all findings in couple research) is about equally pronounced in both partners and occurs roughly simultaneously, it is usually uncomplicated:
While eroticism may lose some of its importance, something else becomes more important again – and that feels right for both partners. This shift usually happens gradually and is generally not even discussed much. After all, their needs still align.
However, changes in libido usually don't begin synchronously in both partners. Therefore, the partner whose desire remains stronger may be alarmed by the new trend and perceive it as threatening.
If this sensitive topic isn't handled with care, the partner whose desire is rejected often feels hurt, while the other partner, who isn't currently in the mood for sex, feels misunderstood and pressured once again. In an area of the relationship where things automatically get to the heart of the matter (being loved, desired, seen, satisfied with one's own body, etc.), there's a high risk of getting caught in a vicious cycle. This can quickly lead to significant frustration on both sides.
Overall, there are fewer differences between the sexes than one might initially think, or than role clichés and stereotypes sometimes suggest. However, if gender differences do exist in certain areas, it helps to be aware of them – so that one's own situation can be better understood (and perhaps even put into perspective).
In the area of "libido", it is actually the case (in heterosexual long-term relationships) that - on average (!) - it is more often 'the men' who, after the initial euphoria, continue to have a greater desire for sex with their partner - regardless of what may be going on in their own life, that of their partner (and possibly that of their children).
Experience shows that a decrease in sexual desire tends to occur somewhat earlier in women than in men.
However, the situation can also be reversed – although not quite as frequently: Men lose their libido – and 'the woman', who often feels rejected and eventually no longer desired, suffers massively as a result.
Less sex = less love?
A reduced desire for eroticism does not automatically mean that love as a whole has diminished.
Sexuality and passion may simply have taken on a different significance than at the beginning of the relationship. However, other qualities – such as intimacy and connection – continue to increase in both men and women.
Even though changes in feelings and a temporary loss of libido may be 'normal' for women, consciously bringing more passion back into everyday life as a couple is definitely worthwhile! 🙂
We have described in detail how this can work successfully in our article "No more sex in marriage" ↗ .
Causes and solutions for low libido in women
“Help! My wife no longer wants to have sex…” - Sexual disinterest can have very different (physical or psychological) origins.
It is 'perfectly normal' that many women, for example after the birth of a child, during times of sleep deprivation or difficulties at work, during family challenges or due to other stresses, have no desire for sex.
The so-called 'mental load' - the ongoing mental strain caused by the complex organization of numerous everyday tasks - is one of the biggest libido killers for most women .
But even if couples aren't caught in the daily grind: Generally, it's more the norm than the exception that long-term relationships experience (temporary) lulls in sex and one partner is confronted with the other's lack of sexual desire.
If it's only a 'moderate' decline in libido (i.e., the frequency of erotic contact has decreased; it takes longer for the other person to become 'seduced' and engage in an erotic encounter – but when sex does occur, both experience it as fulfilling), there are most likely no underlying causes. In such cases, small changes in the relationship are often enough to create the necessary space for sensuality more regularly ( our article on sex can offer helpful suggestions here).
What helps against low sexual desire in women?
However, if a total loss of libido occurs over a longer period of time, or if physical advances from the partner are generally perceived as unpleasant, it is important to ask yourself honestly:
- Did I perhaps not pay enough attention to my wife?
- Are there needs and desires that I might not even be aware of?
- Could it be because my wife is even in pain?
- Are there any psychological stressors that I haven't taken seriously enough?
- Who or what is likely to help us with this sensitive issue?
The longer a partnership has been in a state of disarray, the longer it usually takes for a couple to find their way back to each other erotically.
Below, we examine the most common triggers that can cause a lack of sexual desire in women and provide specific suggestions on how you can actively counteract them.
(A) Too much pressure
Possible reasons
Perhaps a lull in your sex life has already led to arguments – and the topic of sexuality (which should actually be enriching for both of you) has become strained and fraught with pressure. Pressure in the realm of eroticism is extremely detrimental – for both women and men – because: "Love (including physical love) is a child of freedom ." Involuntarily and under stress, doing something that should actually strengthen love and connection simply cannot work. Trying to create intimacy under pressure only results in more distance.
That helps!
Anyone who has lost their desire for erotic encounters because they feel pressured or are putting too much pressure on themselves should agree with their partner to consciously 'put aside' the topic of sex for a while.
During this period, there will be no sex – and no attempts at seduction or persuasion.
However, more cuddling is allowed, encouraged, and possible: lovingly taking each other in your arms, massaging each other, going for a walk holding hands again... - any physical closeness that feels good to both is permitted and desired.
Very often, mutual desire develops again all by itself in a longer (!) lasting, completely pressure-free and particularly tender and attentive atmosphere.
(B) The relationship is in crisis
Possible reasons
When things aren't going well in a relationship overall—for example, because one partner feels insufficiently supported, because there's a lot of criticism and frequent arguments, or because one partner has experienced disloyalty from the other—eroticism usually disappears as well. Women, in particular, literally lose their desire when they feel they are no longer respected or seen. Even seemingly minor relationship crises and arguments can therefore quickly lead to a long-term loss of sexual desire.
That helps!
What is urgently needed here is a significantly greater need for men to show care, support, and empathy in other areas of life that their partners perceive as problematic. Only when a benevolent, relaxed, and loving atmosphere has been (re)established will a sensual reconciliation be possible.
If you suspect that this could be the cause of the lack of sexual desire in your relationship, we recommend our article on overcoming relationship crises .
(C) Uncertainties and fears
Possible reasons
Anxieties surrounding sexuality usually arise particularly at the beginning of relationships. A lack of trust and self-doubt ("What does he/she really think of me ?") often lead to insecurity or performance anxiety. This applies equally to women and men.
However, even in long-term relationships, these anxieties can resurface – especially when there's a specific trigger. For men, for example, it might be sudden erectile dysfunction that causes performance anxiety and exacerbates the problem. For women, it's often dissatisfaction with physical changes (e.g., after childbirth, menopausal symptoms, weight gain or loss), a thoughtless comment from their partner about their appearance, or comparisons to other women they find attractive that can lead to feelings of unease and make them feel anything but "sexy." Such insecurities often become self-fulfilling prophecies, as they keep us preoccupied and stifle any desire for sex.
That helps!
The key here is to first take some time to calmly reflect on the most important cornerstones of love and togetherness. Talk openly with each other and share your concerns with your partner. A sense of belonging and acceptance can drastically alleviate insecurities, anxieties, and dissatisfaction.
(D) Different or unknown preferences
Possible reasons
Even if a couple perceives themselves as a 'good team' overall and can openly discuss many things:
When it comes to sexual preferences, one person often knows (even after years) only a fraction of what would be worth knowing about the other.
For many people, literally "dropping their pants" and letting their partner "look behind the scenes" about their erotic desires is incredibly shameful. Those who are hesitant to talk openly also don't want to make their partner feel like they haven't been a good lover (so far). It might be a wonderful idea that both bodies speak the same language from the very beginning, requiring no additional verbal revelations (and perhaps some have experienced exactly that in a previous relationship) – but this isn't a given. Most couples need to gradually find and develop a shared language of love. (More on the 5 love languages )
Because the other person can't read minds, there's a risk that desire and attraction will gradually fade away. This is very unfortunate, because the partner would certainly be only too happy to fulfill intimate desires – if only they knew what they were.
That helps!
Even if it feels strange at first: Share your most intimate desires with each other! What feels and sounds exciting to whom, and what doesn't? Who wants to be looked at, undressed, or touched, where, how, and when?
For those who find it (still) too difficult to talk about their sexual preferences and fantasies, they can also use a book about erotica and highlight everything that turns them on – and then place it in a clearly visible spot for the other person to browse through... 😉
(E) Psyche, stress and burnout
Possible reasons
One of the most common libido killers and triggers for low sexual desire in women is stress. Career, children, household chores, family problems, financial insecurity, maintaining hobbies and friendships, etc. – there are countless factors that can lead to a feeling of chronic stress.
While male partners often experience sex as a stress catalyst during stressful times, and some of their tension is released through sexual satisfaction, chronic stress in female partners usually leads to a dramatic decrease in libido.
If, as described above, pressure surrounding the topic of sex comes into play, you have the perfect recipe for a lull in your sex life.
That helps!
In this case, it's essential to first create small oases of peace and relaxation. Instead of trying to motivate your partner into a "quickie" amidst all the overload, it's far more advisable to offer her a relaxing massage, provide her with her favorite drink and a cozy blanket on the sofa, run her a hot bath with pleasant music playing – and ask her as often as possible how and with what you can support her.
(F) The lack of sexual desire is due to physical causes.
The cause of low libido is very rarely physical. However, if you (or your partner) can categorically rule out all of the above-mentioned causes and still suffer from a significant loss of libido, physical factors may indeed be playing a role.
Diseases
Hypothyroidism, diabetes, high blood pressure, heart failure, kidney failure, and other illnesses can cause low libido and decreased sexual desire in women. Hormones also have a strong influence on libido in women. Changes in estrogen, androgen, or testosterone levels, in particular, affect mood. This can lead to low libido or decreased sexual desire—especially during menopause or pregnancy.
Next step:
If you suspect (or already know) that you are suffering from one of the above-mentioned illnesses, please seek professional medical help. Even if it feels unusual to talk to someone else about changes in your sexual desire, ask specifically whether the loss of libido could be directly or indirectly related to the illness and seek advice on what might help.
Pain during sex
Pain is a common occurrence (affecting about 10% of all women) and can impair or prevent sexual desire. This can be due to inflammation, lack of lubrication, yeast infections, chronic cystitis, or the anatomy itself.
Next step:
In the case of chronic pain during sex, it is strongly recommended to consult a doctor with the appropriate specialization and find out about all possibilities for reducing the pain in the future - or, in the best case, preventing it altogether.
Alter
As people age, their sex drive often decreases – hormonal fluctuations, such as during menopause or after pregnancy, are frequently the cause. This is normal and nothing to worry about.
Next step:
Lifestyle changes (e.g., more exercise, healthier diet, a change in appearance, new activities) can lead to a renewed sense of vitality – regardless of age – and often also to sexual desire and enjoyment of eroticism.
Medications
Contraceptives (especially the pill) and other medications affect our bodies in a variety of ways and can cause hormonal changes that, in turn, can lead to a loss of libido. Besides the pill and antidepressants, there are numerous other medications that can cause low libido as an unwanted side effect.
Next step:
It is best to speak directly to your doctor about hormonal side effects and ask for advice on whether – and if so, which – contraceptive or treatment alternatives are available.
So there are many things that can help with low libido in women and, of course, in men too!
Low sexual desire in men
Sexual disinterest can also occur in men. Our article " Sexual Disinterest in Men " provides an overview of the most common reasons for and possible solutions to sexual disinterest in men.
What can be done about low libido?
We hope that our explanations about possible causes of low libido have helped to sort out your thoughts a little.
If there are specific factors in your relationship, such as those mentioned above, that could be the cause of the sexual problems, these should first be analyzed calmly and changed if necessary.
If none of the outlined possible triggers for low libido really fit your personal situation, it can help to first look at proven tips & tricks for more desire and lust, as well as myths and stereotypes: see our blog article "No More Sex in Marriage" .
Strengthen your relationship!
The surest way to regain desire and lust is to strengthen your partnership overall and noticeably improve the quality of your relationship.
Affection and intimacy as a common basis not only increase the desire for one another, but also make it much easier to talk openly and constructively about problems and desires.
If the partner better understands the reasons for the sexual difficulties, that's 'half the battle'.
Start your self-test now!
We wish you all the best for your partnership!
Yours sincerely, Dr. Judith Gastner & Prof. Dr. Ludwig Schindler
☝🏻 Related articles on the topic of "Sexual disinterest in women"
Libidoverlust kann Beziehungen belasten und hat verschiedene Ursachen wie körperliche Erkrankungen, Stress und Beziehungsprobleme. Um dem entgegenzuwirken, sind offene Gespräche, Stressabbau und gegebenenfalls professionelle Hilfe wichtige Schritte. Eine verbesserte Beziehungsqualität und Offenheit für neue Ideen können helfen, die Intimität und das sexuelle Verlangen wiederherzustellen.
Frequently asked questions about "female sexual disinterest"
What are the most common causes of low libido in women?
There are various factors that can lead to a lack of sexual desire in women. These include hormonal fluctuations, fatigue, relationship problems, psychological influences, or insufficient sexual stimulation. Since the individual reasons for a lack of sexual desire in women can be diverse, a thorough investigation into the underlying causes is always necessary.
What impact do relationship problems have on sex and eroticism?
Relationship problems have a significant impact on sexual desire, as they are usually accompanied by a lack of trust or emotional distance. This, in turn, impairs intimacy. A lack of emotional connection and respectful communication diminishes sexual desire and pleasure (especially in women).
What role does communication with one's partner play in overcoming a lack of sexual desire?
Without a loving atmosphere, fulfilling sexuality is impossible in the long run. Every person and every relationship dynamic is unique. Therefore, openness and curiosity are the best prerequisites for understanding the specific reasons behind current low sexual desire and overcoming them together.
How important is communication when experiencing a lack of sexual desire?
Every person and every relationship is unique. Honest communication about one's own wishes, needs, and concerns is essential for both partners to feel seen, for misunderstandings to be cleared up, and for joint solutions to be found.
Does the sex drive decrease in women?
A woman's sex drive can fluctuate throughout her life. In some cases, it decreases permanently with the onset of menopause (usually due to hormonal changes). However, many women report that they enjoy their sexuality more with age and have therefore become more sexually active.
What triggers sexual desire in women?
Sexual desire in women can be increased by hormonal influences, stress reduction, or emotional closeness, among other things. Activities such as meditation, yoga, or exploring one's own needs—for example, through masturbation—can promote sexual desire, especially in women. Open communication about desires within a relationship can also strengthen a woman's libido.
What to do if your partner no longer shows sexual interest?
If your partner shows no sexual interest for an extended period, the problem should be addressed sensitively. First, the underlying causes need to be understood. Only then can you discuss together how to deal with it. Professional help (couples or sex therapy) can be beneficial in reviving eroticism and sexuality.
What helps against low sexual desire in women?
There is no magic bullet for low libido – the causes are individual, and the solutions are just as varied. Stress reduction through relaxation techniques like yoga or meditation, open communication within the partnership, and medical or therapeutic support can be helpful. It's important to consider both physical and psychological factors and to be patient with yourself. A combination of self-reflection, new stimuli, and targeted relationship work often offers the best chance of increasing libido in women.
