Breakup due to lack of sex? – The 6 best tips to combat a sex drought

At the beginning of a new relationship, everything is wonderful and exciting: A very special person becomes part of your life.

You surely still remember the butterflies in your stomach and the smile on your face when you thought of HIM or HER - the most wonderful person in the whole world.

During this time, there were many 'firsts': the first date, the first touch, the first kiss, the first time having sex... Eroticism, in particular, is usually something very special at the beginning of a new relationship. Experiencing the body of a loved one for the first time has something magical about it. Those newly in love often experience exciting eroticism for months on end – and can hardly keep their hands off each other. Whether man or woman: anyone who has ever been deeply in love probably knows such intense feelings.

But you, too, have most likely noticed at some point that something has changed in your partnership – as in almost all relationships – and that you are behaving differently. Perhaps...

• ... the exchange of affection gradually decreased.
• ... the tone between the two of you has changed.
• ... over time, misunderstandings and arguments became increasingly frequent.
• ... the person at your side has increasingly "done their own thing".
• ...you became parents, the whole world revolved around your offspring 24/7, and since then you have only experienced yourselves as parents and no longer as a couple.

And it's just as likely that things have changed in your sex life too – and there can be many reasons for that. Perhaps...

• ... the earlier attraction between the two of you was at some point barely noticeable or even completely gone.
• ...you ended up in bed together less and less often (although 'it' was still nice...).
• ... at some point you had the feeling that your partner no longer found you erotically attractive, which affected your self-esteem.
• ... you secretly felt more erotically attracted to other women (or men) than to your own partner.

Perhaps the sex between you two has never really been 'good' – and you're afraid of hoping in vain that things will improve. Because of these developments, you're probably at a point where you're wondering what the future holds and which path is right for you. And you're having agonizing thoughts about whether a lack of sexuality or unfulfilled eroticism could lead to a breakup.

Are you currently dissatisfied? Take the self-test!

Use the following self-test to find out to what extent you are currently dissatisfied with the sexuality in your partnership.

Fulfilling sexuality is a key component of happy partnerships.

Closeness, intimacy, respect, and mutual support – all of these are essential for a successful partnership. A fulfilling sex life is also part of it.

Many psychological studies show that for most people, sex is an important element for relationship satisfaction - for women as well as men.

Fehlt die Erotik, wirkt sich das meist negativ auf die Beziehung insgesamt aus. Das Wir-Gefühl nimmt ab, die Angst davor, sich auseinanderzuleben, nimmt zu. Auch wird das Selbstwertgefühl strapaziert, wenn einer der Partner den Eindruck hat, vom geliebten Menschen weniger attraktiv und begehrenswert gefunden zu werden. So kann es zu einer Abkühlung der gesamten Paarbeziehung kommen. Mit der Zeit lässt dann die Liebe nach – und ein Seitensprung kann die Folge sein (sollte es in Ihrer Partnerschaft bereits zu Untreue gekommen sein, finden Sie in unserem Artikel "Affäre verzeihen" eine Art Erste-Hilfe-Anleitung für diese Ausnahmesituation).

Wenn ein Paar nicht (mehr) zufrieden mit der gelebten Erotik ist, führt das fast immer zu Spannungen. Streitigkeiten häufen sich, Lieb- oder Sprachlosigkeit werden mehr.

Ein Teufelskreis aus zunehmender Unzufriedenheit und schwindender Sexualität entsteht. Viele Paare finden sich dann eines Tages an einem Punkt wieder, an dem sie kaum noch wissen, was zuerst da war. Doch irgendwann ist sie deutlich spürbar: Die Gefahr einer möglichen "Trennung wegen fehlender Sexualität" oder einer "Trennung wegen fehlender Nähe".

Vielleicht doch besser Trennung & Neustart mit einem anderen Partner?

Sie haben schon etliches ausprobiert und zweifeln daran, ob es andere Möglichkeiten gibt als ein finales Auseinandergehen? Die Gedanken an eine Trennung wegen fehlender Sexualität oder abflauender Leidenschaft werden immer häufiger?

Achtung! Ihre gemeinsame Vergangenheit ist zum wichtigen Teil Ihrer Identität geworden. Eine Trennung beendet so vieles von dem, was Sie sich gemeinsam aufgebaut haben. Daher sollte sie niemals vorschnell erfolgen. Zunächst sollte jeder andere mögliche Weg durchdacht werden.

Liegen Ihrer Beziehung ungelöste Konflikte zugrunde, ist es wichtig, genau hier anzusetzen. Wenn sich die Herausforderungen lösen lassen, kann sich mit großer Wahrscheinlichkeit auch Ihr Sexualleben wieder verbessern.

Kämpfen Sie möglichst nicht allzu lange alleine mit Frust und Enttäuschung, sondern holen Sie sich schnellstmöglich kompetente Hilfe an die Seite.

Das kann ein niedergelassener Paarberater (siehe Artikel Paartherapie: Wann sinnvoll? Ablauf, Methoden & Kosten), ein effektives Selbsthilfe-Tool (wie das wissenschaftlich überprüfte Online-Programm PaarBalance) oder eine Beratungsstelle sein. Kaum etwas belastet unsere körperliche und seelische Gesundheit so sehr wie Partnerschaftskrisen und Beziehungsstress. Wenn es an anderer Stelle 'weh tut' oder wir 'unter Schmerzen leiden', sind wir erleichtert, möglichst schnell die passende fachliche Unterstützung zu erhalten. Also: Nur Mut auch in diesem Bereich!

Only when all other measures fail can separation be the right (last) option. In that case, however, it's not a separation due to a lack of sexuality. The real reason for the separation lies in the underlying problems.

In any case, you should look for the reasons behind your lack of sexual intimacy and do everything you can to avoid a breakup. Sexuality in your relationship can be rekindled if you work on it together. There are various successful ways to achieve this. However, if the relationship is definitively over, you'll miss the opportunity to grow from the challenge and develop further in the areas of sexuality and eroticism.

How much sex is "too little sex"?

Very important: There are no guidelines on how much sex is "good" or "normal" in relationships.

Everyone has a different perspective on this; feelings are entirely individual. If both partners are satisfied, a marriage can work even if they no longer have sex.

However, you are currently considering separating from your partner due to unsatisfying sexual activity, or conversely, you are worried that your partner might leave you for this reason. Clearly, you are not happy with your sex life, and this is likely affecting not only you and your self-esteem, but your relationship as a whole.

In your subjective experience, there is apparently too little (satisfying) sex. It makes no difference whether you sleep with your partner once a year or once a week.

Why has your relationship experienced a "sex drought"?

Below we have summarized the most common reasons for a lull in erotic activity.

(1) They hardly spend any time together as a couple anymore

Daily life has a firm grip on you, leaving hardly any time for just the two of you. And when you do, conversations mainly revolve around shopping, housework, or the children.

There is no time left for erotic moments because they are repeatedly postponed in the daily grind.

There's no question: If this continues for an extended period, the consequences are far-reaching. You essentially lose your sex life. Not having sex becomes the norm.

If you consistently fail to find time for tenderness and eroticism, your interest in sex with your husband  or wife may eventually disappear completely .

(2) They are stressed

Professional or everyday stress are the natural enemies of eroticism.

Perhaps you have been so exhausted lately that you only wanted to sleep in your bed - and absolutely did not want to share it for a romantic encounter.

During particularly stressful periods in life, sex can feel like an additional task, a burden – and no longer has much to do with fun and pleasure. If this continues for an extended period, your brain generally perceives sex as strenuous and no longer as positively stimulating or relaxing. Passion is lost.

There is another reason why stress can harm love: stress has negative consequences for our hormonal balance.

Stress hormones are released, which inhibit our sex drive. From an evolutionary perspective, this was quite helpful: If our ancestors faced a dangerous saber-toothed tiger, it made sense to concentrate energy on fighting or fleeing , and not on reproduction . However, this example clearly illustrates the situations for which such a reaction is designed: short-term stress.

If you experience constant stress in your daily life, the stress response loses its purpose and libido can be inhibited in the long term.

(3) There are problems in communication.

Do misunderstandings frequently occur in your relationship, leading to arguments (especially about everyday topics)? Then there is clearly room for improvement in your communication skills.

Communication problems quickly lead to serious conflicts and a persistently tense atmosphere. A joyful mood cannot develop under such circumstances.

Tension is a killer of any sensual thrill. No wonder the frequency of erotic moments decreases.

(4) You are experiencing deeper conflicts in your partnership

If you experience not just annoying discussions about everyday topics, but more frequent serious and possibly hurtful arguments, "there's more to it".

Deep-seated relationship conflicts almost always lead to negative changes in eroticism.

Are you doubting the foundations of your relationship? Do you argue about 'big' questions like, "Do we want children?" or "What values ​​are important to us?" Do things get heated between you when it comes to personal boundaries, moral behavior, or fundamental beliefs? Do you ask yourself if you can still trust your partner? Have your expectations for the relationship become very different? Are you wondering if there's any love left at all?

In such cases, fundamental conflicts are at the root of the problem. The lack of sexuality is a symptom of these conflicts.

Here's how to rekindle your shared sexuality.

Wir haben im Folgenden die bewährtesten Tipps und Maßnahmen für Sie auf den Punkt gebracht.

(1) Sprechen Sie das Problem an

Mangelnde oder schlechte Kommunikation kann sowohl Auslöser als auch Folge einer sexuellen Flaute sein. Kommunikation ist ein entscheidender Schlüssel, um dem Problem zu begegnen. Ganz wichtig: Nähern Sie sich dem Thema (ab sofort) behutsam an.

Sagen (oder schreiben) Sie Ihrem Partner, dass Sie sich wünschen, (wieder) mehr Sex mit ihm zu haben.

Vorsicht:

• Achten Sie auf Ihr eigenes Verhalten und Ihre Ausdrucksweise.
• Machen Sie keine Vorwürfe.
• Sprechen Sie idealerweise nur über sich und Ihre eigenen Gefühle und Bedürfnisse.
• Nutzen Sie Ich-Botschaften.
• Vermeiden Sie jegliche Form von Kritik. Sollte Ihr Liebster (bzw. Ihre Liebste) das Gefühl haben, Sie würden ihm (bzw. ihr) die (alleinige) 'Schuld' an der Sexflaute geben, wird er (bzw. sie) abweisend reagieren.

Machen Sie deutlich, dass die Situation Sie beide betrifft und Sie eine Lösung finden möchten, mit der Sie beide glücklich(er) sind. Nur, wenn Sie offen und respektvoll miteinander sprechen, können Sie den Herausforderungen in diesem sensiblen Bereich begegnen.

Fragen Sie, wie es Ihrem Partner mit Ihrer gemeinsamen Sexualität geht – er wird wahrscheinlich Ähnliches fühlen wie Sie. Schon diese Erkenntnis kann Sie wieder näher zusammenbringen.

Falls es bei Ihnen tiefer liegende Probleme geben sollte, können sie bei einem solchen von Wohlwollen geprägten, offenen Austausch ans Licht kommen - und das ist der zentrale erste Schritt, um sie nach und nach gemeinsam aus der Welt zu räumen.

(2) Sprechen Sie über sexuelle Vorlieben

Reine 'Problemgespräche' helfen nicht weiter. Kommen Sie deshalb in einen möglichst lösungsorientierten Austausch. Sprechen oder schreiben Sie (falls Ihnen das leichter fällt) nicht nur darüber, was Ihnen fehlt, sondern vor allem darüber, welche Wünsche Sie haben.

Welche sexuellen Vorlieben, Bedürfnisse, erotischen Phantasien gibt es? Was erträumen Sie sich von einem lebendigen Sexualleben? Welche Erwartungen hat jeder von Ihnen an sich und den anderen?

Vielleicht denken Sie: Das sollten wir nach den gemeinsamen Jahren ja wohl übereinander wissen! – Aber Sie wären vermutlich erstaunt, wie häufig Frauen wie Männern gleichermaßen die sexuellen Vorlieben und Phantasien Ihres/r Liebsten kaum bekannt sind.

Wann haben Sie Ihren Partner zuletzt in Ihre erotischen Wünsche eingeweiht? Wahrscheinlich ist das schon einige Zeit her. Oder - auch das ist nicht selten - es gab noch nie ein solch offenes Gespräch über sexuelle Themen und die Welt der eigenen sexuellen Phantasien.

Vielen Menschen sind solche Gespräche unangenehm, manche haben regelrecht Angst davor. Vielleicht geht es Ihnen ähnlich.

Therefore, create a pleasant atmosphere, for example by going for a walk or sitting on the sofa in soft lighting with a glass of wine or hot chocolate. Make sure you have enough time and peace and quiet for the conversation. If you are a parent, this might mean having your children looked after by a babysitter. Turn off your mobile phones.

If you truly desire change, then share your thoughts and needs as openly as possible. Nothing important should be kept secret. For your part, simply listen attentively to what your partner says – without offering any comments. Your conversation needs a safe space where you both feel comfortable. Therefore, never react with immediate rejection – not even if you learn about preferences your partner hadn't known about before or that you don't share.

This way, you can better understand what you and your partner are interested in, be curious about what common ground you might have, and perhaps tailor your erotic activities accordingly. Bonus: Even just talking about preferences and desires can be exciting and spark a desire to try out what you've discussed together.

(3) Strengthen your closeness and intimacy

If you find it difficult to talk about your sexual desires, this could be a sign that your intimacy and trust are no longer fully intact. Make an effort to (re)build closer relationships.

Make sure you spend more time together (again) and do something nice for yourselves.

Go to the sauna together. Arrange a date – like at the beginning of your relationship. Break out of your daily routine and give each other more attention.

The most important rule: no conversations about chores and household chores. Weekly grocery shopping or the children's homework are off-limits.

You will see that more personal conversations will soon develop between you and you will quickly feel closer to each other again.

Schedule these shared times as fixed appointments in your calendar. This will ensure that you don't forget them, even in a stressful daily routine.

(4) Plan sex

Don't just schedule time for shared activities, but also explicitly for sex. Does that sound unromantic and not very erotic? Just wait and see.

You probably wish that the desire for sex in your relationship would arise spontaneously – but this often doesn't happen in the daily grind.

Tiredness, household chores, and routines prevent partners from even thinking about sex. As a result, their shared eroticism simply disappears.

You can prevent this by consciously setting aside time for intimacy. Schedule "appointments" that are solely dedicated to your sex life – and mark them firmly in your calendar. It's important that you can be undisturbed together during this time and truly become tender and intimate. Even if you initially have little or no desire for sex. Appetite often comes with eating. This way, you'll build new habits and can very likely experience how good it feels for both of you to reconnect and feel each other again. If you've been experiencing a lull in your sex life for a while, you've probably almost forgotten this feeling.

You will notice a change after a short time: If you regularly schedule your erotic encounters, you will soon feel pleasurable anticipation for your next sex date.

And over time, you will also find yourselves more and more often spontaneously available for erotic encounters with your partner in your everyday life as a couple.

(5) Try new and exciting things

One way to instantly reignite the spark in your sex life is to try something new and exciting together.

This can mean leaving the bed and becoming intimate in other places – whether it's the shower, the car or a clearing in the forest – there are no limits to your imagination.

Did you always have sex in the evening? Then break up this routine and make love to your partner in the morning before getting up or in the afternoon after work.

Try out new sexual practices together, test interesting sex toys, or look for an erotic film that you both find exciting. Any idea that you find thrilling is welcome!

(6) Use CoupleBalance

Do you wish for concrete support in finding greater happiness in your relationship? Then the PaarBalance coaching program can offer valuable insights. PaarBalance is the only scientifically validated, interactive online coaching program for improving relationships in German-speaking countries that can be completed by each partner individually. So don't let the name 'PaarBalance' confuse you... 😉

Through 18 sessions, you will receive practical recommendations and concrete instructions on how to improve the quality of your relationships and rediscover ease and joy in life.

Sessions 13 and 14 focus specifically on how you can improve your sex life. Since the other sessions address further important relationship topics – such as constructive conflict resolution, needs, rituals, jealousy, etc. – the program is also suitable if deeper conflicts are straining your relationship.

But whatever kind of support you use – take action! Because: "There is nothing good unless you do it!" (Erich Kästner)

Start your self-test now!

With that in mind: Wishing you lots of energy and confidence, and warmest regards.

Yours sincerely, Dr. Judith Gastner & the PaarBalance team

Frequently Asked Questions