Help! My relationship has gone stale – The 3 best tips to rekindle it

First things first: It is (almost) always possible to breathe new life, intimacy and feeling into your relationship - and (usually) easier and faster than you probably think.

This article explains how this works and how you can achieve it in your own relationship.

Is this still love between us - or just habit?

It seems that things between the two of you aren't (or no longer are) going the way you imagined. The tenderness, exuberance, and infatuation of the past are largely gone. Your heart used to flutter when your loved one's name appeared on the screen, or when their email address popped up in your inbox.

Today you feel: nothing. Or: very little ("It's probably just about some kind of agreement again anyway"). Butterflies in your stomach? Not a trace. Exciting sex in bed? Forget it!

For more information on "sexual disinterest", please also read our articles " Sexual disinterest in women " and " Sexual disinterest in men ".

Even though it's hard to admit it - perhaps you too sometimes hear nagging questions inside you like:

• Is there still love between us? Or just everyday life and routine?
• Can you still really call it a loving relationship when sexuality is in a loooooong hibernation?
  (In the very first stages of infatuation, it was so different... There was sex after waking up, sex before going to sleep, birthday sex, sex on New Year's Eve, sex in the car, sex in the park... And now?)
• Does it make sense to stay in a relationship if there's absolutely no feeling of being in love anymore?
• Is the other person really the man (or woman) for life ?
• Are we as compatible as we thought back then? Or are there perhaps other men or women with whom life would be much more exciting?
• Does he or she actually know how I'm really doing? Is he or she still interested in what I think and feel?
• Haven't we been living alongside each other rather than together for a long time now?
• Should I separate? (See our related article: Should I separate? The most important questions, considerations & help )
• What actually distinguishes us from couples whose 'relationship' ultimately only exists on paper?
• How much appreciation and attention has already been lost between us – compared to newly in-love couples?

On the other hand, there is probably another voice as well – one that remembers the past very well and immediately conjures up beautiful images in your mind:

• We've experienced so much together! So many things we have in common.
• How we always looked forward to seeing each other and what deep and lively conversations we were able to have. We had so many things in common.
• Basically, there was no area we couldn't share: A problem with my best friend? Difficulties at work? Logistical challenges? There was nothing where he (or she) wouldn't have stood by me as a friend.
• Every time he hugged me so warmly, my heart felt warm inside.
• She had such a special way of looking at me. There was this spark...
• Those moments when our cuddling turned into something more and we were suddenly... aroused... that was... phew. How exciting sex felt back then.

Especially when it comes to happy memories, you are probably very aware that you still love your partner (or your husband, partner, wife) and that the other person has become a central part of your own biography.

• The idea of ​​giving up their life together and having to start all over again is frightening.
• That you do not envy singles their freedoms and would not gladly trade places with any single male or female friend - even if their reports of occasional sexual adventures sound exciting.
• That there were (and still are) good reasons why the two of you got together.
• It feels very familiar to read an article from the newspaper to the other person at breakfast, to lounge on the couch together in the evening to watch a video, or to plan the menu for the next birthday party, etc.

If only it were possible to feel a little like you did at the beginning of your relationship again - or (even better!) as close as before, but at the same time even more connected, namely with all the beautiful shared experiences in tow… Hmmm.

The good news: All of this is possible. 🙂

All couples face the same challenge...

They need to do something to keep their love relationship alive.

Before we get to the best tips – in the current situation – on what you can do immediately and without much effort to create an intimate atmosphere in your partnership, here are a few thoughts that are very important to us.

Most couples who have been together for a long time eventually reach a point where they think: "Oh dear, our relationship has become stagnant! It hasn't had anything to do with a heartwarming love story for quite some time now." And there is always the same challenge (regardless of whether there are children or not, whether it's a relationship between two women, two men, or two women):

Active efforts must be made to keep long-term relationships vibrant. This means ensuring both partners continue to share beautiful moments, avoid getting bogged down in routine, laugh and have fun, remain husband and wife (or a loving couple), don't let sex fade away, and at the same time treat each other with the same attentiveness that good friends would show each other.

This is important:

• Don't take the other person's quirks too seriously; instead, remember how you used to smile about them. 'Dive under' them instead of feeling provoked when you see them being inconsiderate again.
• Haben Sie keine Angst davor, wenn es mal heiklere Themen, schwierigere Momente oder ein akutes Problem zwischen Ihnen geben sollte: Bewahren Sie Ruhe, schnaufen Sie zunächst tief durch und beginnen Sie mit Ihrer gemeinsamen Suche nach einer konstruktiven Lösung erst dann, wenn Sie beide nicht länger akut aufgewühlt sind.
• Deuten Sie seltenen (oder keinen) Sex und wenig (oder keine) gemeinsame Kuschelzeit im Bett nicht als untrügliches Anzeichen dafür, dass die Beziehung auf eine Trennung zusteuern könnte. Auch körperliche Nähe kann oft erstaunlich schnell aus dem Winterschlaf geweckt werden (siehe dazu unseren Artikel "Kein Sex mehr in der Ehe - die 7 häufigsten Sex-Mythen")
• Lenken Sie den inneren Scheinwerfer immer wieder ganz bewusst auf Ihre schönen Momente und Gemeinsamkeiten als Paar - und gerade nicht auf die persönlichen Unterschiede.
• Starten Sie nicht das große 'Umerziehungsprogramm'! Stellen Sie sämtliche Bemühungen, den anderen ändern zu wollen, sofort ein. Akzeptieren Sie den Menschen an Ihrer Seite als 'Gesamtpaket'.

Wir arbeiten ja schon sehr lange in unserer Psychotherapie- und Coaching-Praxis mit dem Schwerpunkt Paartherapie, Paarbeziehung, Partnerschaft - Prof. Ludwig Schindler mittlerweile seit mehr als 45 Jahren.

Leider machen wir bis heute die Erfahrung, dass viele Menschen sich erst sehr spät (oft zu spät) Unterstützung holen, nämlich dann, wenn sich ihre Paarbeziehung schon eine ganze Weile ganz und gar nicht mehr nach Liebesbeziehung angefühlt hat. Je länger die Partnerschaft belastet ist, desto stärker entfremden sich beide Partner voneinander.

Aber: Unser Beruf macht uns nach wie vor riesigen Spaß und wir erleben ihn als äußert erfüllend!!

Warum?

Als Paartherapeuten und wissenschaftliche Leiter von PaarBalance haben wir in den vergangenen Jahren (bzw. Jahrzehnten) schon so viele Paare dabei begleiten dürfen, ihre Liebe, ihre Zärtlichkeit, ihre Ausgelassenheit, ihren Sex wieder zu finden, sich miteinander Neues zu erobern, ihre inneren Bilder und Vorstellungen davon, was Glück und Wir-Gefühl in der Beziehung ausmachen, zu 'aktualisieren', das Zusammensein mit neuem Inhalt zu füllen, noch einmal gemeinsam durchzustarten. Deshalb sind wir überzeugt davon, dass das auch Ihnen gelingen kann - wie so vielen anderen Frauen und Männern in längeren Partnerschaften zuvor.

Unser Ziel war es immer, allen Paaren, die sich in ihrer Beziehung nicht mehr richtig wohl fühlen, so früh wie nur möglich die passende Hilfe anzubieten:

• ohne viel Aufwand,
• ohne Wartezeiten,
• ohne große Kosten
• ohne, dass es sich nach 'Arbeit' anfühlt
• und trotzdem hoch effektiv.

That was our driving force in developing our passion project PaarBalance: online couple therapy in recent years   , a scientifically validated online coaching program that can be completed in small stages - either by  one  partner alone or by  both  in parallel.

Relationship research is still a relatively 'young' field of study. However, it has now been over 50 years since the "secrets of happy relationships" were systematically investigated. Therefore, we thankfully know quite precisely today what the so-called dos and don'ts of a successful relationship are.

High-speed offers would be fantastic right now, of course, that could transform flagging feelings in seconds – a little treasure trove into which men and women in a long-term relationship could pour an essence of passion, sex, intimacy & connection as needed, thereby magically dissolving all the things that are currently difficult and restoring the intense infatuation of the first weeks together.

There is no such magic bullet, but thankfully there is already a colorful bouquet of very concrete recommendations that can work wonders for a relationship that has stumbled!

Below, I would like to introduce and explain three of these best 'miracle flowers' for couples.

The 3 best tips: How to instantly rekindle your dormant love

There are a few important prerequisites for these first 3 relationship boosters to have their full effect:

• that you really want to give yourself and your partner  a chance  .
• that you  want to take action yourself,  following the motto: Better to act than to react!
• that you bring a little  patience  - with yourself, with your partner, with both of you as a couple.
• that you hold on  to it and maintain your inner image of 'we' - even if you should occasionally have the impression that after two steps forward there has been a small step backward.

If you then implement the three following recommendations every day, or integrate them into your daily life, with this attitude, your feelings for each other will probably deepen so much that you will soon hardly be able to believe you ever doubted your love for each other.

Tip 1: Opt for maximum respect!

Make a conscious decision here and now to treat your partner with the same attentiveness, respect, love, and willingness to compromise as you did at the very beginning of your relationship. Back then, it all came naturally—we didn't have to try, we simply wanted to show our very best sides. You can surely still remember how that felt.

Most importantly: Maintain this attitude completely regardless of how your partner may (initially) behave.

Tip 2: Ask the two most important questions every day!

Which ones are they? Berlin-based relationship expert Christian Thiel rightly emphasizes  how fundamentally important  it is that we ask our partner these two very simple questions every day:

Question 1:   How are you?

Question 2:   What can I do for you?

Of course, these two questions only work their magic if they are meant sincerely, if we look at the other person while asking them and signal that we are genuinely interested in their answers – and if we don't just mumble them off in passing as we're about to leave the house... 😉

Why is this SO important? If we are genuinely and repeatedly interested in hearing how our loved one is doing, day after day,  and if  we   make it a priority to know how we can support them right now, then they will feel seen, heard, valued, and loved. And those who feel seen, heard, valued, and loved want to reciprocate that positive feeling.

So you can be sure that your partner will soon start asking you regularly how you are doing. And that it will also be a deep desire of theirs to hear what they can do to contribute to your well-being.

Tip 3: Kiss and hug your partner several times a day (and now: VERY important!) for at least 6 seconds 😉

Decide to consciously create physical closeness with your partner every day from now on by:

• Kiss him for at least 6 seconds (or longer) every morning and every evening.
• Hug him (at least) three times a day for 7 seconds (or longer) (adults try to do it 7 times).

Yes!! -  especially on stressful days!! And: No!! - a fleeting kiss on the cheek or a quick pat in passing doesn't count! Only a longer, conscious pause and feeling each other - without distractions! - fuels the miracle of closeness.

Gerade dieser 3. Vorschlag mag sich erst einmal ziemlich unromantisch (und vielleicht sogar ein bisschen absurd) anhören – aber vertrauen Sie darauf: Es wird sich schon bald nicht mehr unromantisch anfühlen. Und es ist in jedem Fall sooo viel romantischer als sich an vielen unserer eng getakteten Hamsterrad-Tagen gar nicht bewusst zu küssen und in den Arm zu nehmen.

Wenn Sie diese 3 Anregungen verinnerlichen und umsetzen, werden Sie sofort eine Verbesserung in Ihrem Beziehungsalltag spüren. Es ist immer wieder aufs Neue erstaunlich und wunderbar, wie schnell sich als 'schwächelnd' empfundene Beziehungen (wieder) nach "1. Klasse" anfühlen. 🙂

Deshalb: Fangen Sie am besten gleich HEUTE damit an!!

Und weil es uns so wichtig ist, wiederholen wir es an dieser Stelle noch einmal:

Denken Sie bitte wirklich daran, sich mit Ernsthaftigkeit, aber natürlich vor allem Zuversicht und Freude, darauf einzustimmen, dass sie einander eine echte Chance geben, selbst in Vorleistung gehen und gerade in der ersten Zeit geduldig sind.

Es ist in jedem Fall gut, immer wieder ein bisschen an der einen oder anderen Stellschraube in der Partnerschaft zu drehen und zu beobachten, welchen Einfluss das auf die Atmosphäre und auf unsere Gefühle zueinander hat. Bauen Sie ein starkes Fundament für die gemeinsame Zukunft!

Natürlich können isolierte Einzeltipps nicht die allumfassende Lösung für vielschichtige und spezifische Herausforderungen Ihrer ganz persönlichen Beziehungsdynamik sein.

Wir können Ihnen aber versprechen: Wenn Sie in sich den tiefen Wunsch nach einer positiven, langfristigen (Weiter-) Entwicklung Ihrer Beziehung spüren, dafür selbst in Aktion treten und konsequent ‚dranbleiben‘ - dann können Sie in relativ kurzer Zeit eine sehr spürbare Verbesserung Ihrer Lebensqualität erreichen. Auf einem (durch Ihre ‚Vorleistung‘) so gestärkten Fundament lässt sich dann umso besser weiter aufbauen, so dass sich Ihre Beziehung bald nachhaltig ‚zukunftssicher‘ anfühlt – also: inniger, liebevoller und lebendiger als sie es vielleicht je zuvor war.

Lieber Fitness-Programm als Reha-Maßnahme

Seiner Liebe ganz bewusst etwas Gutes zu tun, ist also eines der dankbarsten, wichtigsten und schönsten Vorhaben, die Sie überhaupt angehen können. Denn wir wissen bzw. spüren es ja - beim Thema Beziehung geht es schnell „ans Eingemachte“:

• Läuft es in der Partnerschaft gut, fühlen wir uns so gestärkt und getragen wie durch kaum etwas anderes.
• Ist die Beziehung belastet, haben wir kaum genug Kraft, um berufliche und familiäre Herausforderungen zu stemmen.

Such a 'project' for love might initially sound like quite a challenge – but with the right method and know-how, it progresses much more playfully than most of us think. And we'd probably all agree that a wellness or fitness program sounds much better than a rehabilitation measure.

Therefore, we shouldn't wait passively for too long and vaguely hope that things we've long been dissatisfied with will eventually improve on their own.

How about going on dates together, for example? In the article "Date Ideas for Home: 25+ Creative Ways to Strengthen Your Relationship" you will find various ideas for more time together in your relationship. 

The most worthwhile project of all: 3 months of "Fit for Love"

Experience has shown that the most helpful thing is to make a kind of pact with yourself - in the sense of: "I hereby solemnly resolve to do everything in my power over the next 3 months to bring real momentum (and loooooots of love) back into our relationship."

Perhaps as a proper fitness ' project' with a title like "Fit for Love"—one worth investing some time and passion in. Most people find it much easier if they aren't alone in such a endeavor, but have clear instructions and structure at their disposal—and, above all, receive regular support to keep going, so they don't get discouraged too quickly by minor slip-ups of frustration or arguments.

That is precisely why, over many years – together with a wonderful team of colleagues who are also committed to happy partnerships and families with great idealism – we developed the CoupleBalance system:

CoupleBalance - Interactive online couples therapy for individuals

PaarBalance has been available in its current form since 2017 and is to this day (in German-speaking countries) the only scientifically verified online coaching for greater relationship satisfaction that can demonstrably be used successfully by ONE partner for BOTH.

In 18 interactive sessions with coaching videos, exercises and concrete tips, it is clearly and humorously explained how misunderstandings can be avoided, conflicts resolved and commonalities sustainably strengthened from now on.

It always starts with our free relationship test, which tells you exactly how your relationship is doing right now.

If you'd like to try out how the PaarBalance system can rekindle (and maintain!) feelings of love, you can create your account here and start your first session immediately: www.paarbalance.de/online-coaching

Perhaps you have good friends who would like to start working on improving their relationship at the same time? Knowing that one or two other committed women and men among your close friends are also keen on a relationship boost will certainly increase the motivation of each individual couple.

Where could the journey lead?

Imagine:

• You come home, your loved one gets up, smiles at you – just like before – warmly and affectionately, and hugs you tightly… or
• They lie comfortably together on the sofa and calmly tell each other what they have experienced, how they are doing, what they have accomplished today, what is still to come, what they are looking forward to, what they wish for… or
• Something is stirring within you. Your partner looks at you attentively, encourages you to share what's on your mind, and asks questions with genuine interest. You can sense how sincerely he cares about everything that concerns you, and that he likes and appreciates you exactly as you are; that you don't have to pretend and that you can let your guard down with him… or
• You're exhausted after a bad night. Everything is incredibly draining right now. Your head is spinning with all the unfinished tasks. Your partner can see that today is clearly not your day. He meets your gaze lovingly and then asks what he could take off your plate today, because he'd like to lighten your load... or
• From a long embrace, more intimate than it has been in a long time, you feel your knees go weak. You press yourselves against each other, aware of the desire rising within you both, and how your breathing changes, or or or…

Perhaps other (or even completely different) inner images are forming, images of moments you would like to (re)experience with your partner.

Become (again) the couple you always wanted to be.

Take the first step. Let us support you and accompany you on your worthwhile journey (back) to deep satisfaction in your relationship.

Here's how you can create an account directly with PaarBalance:

1) Register at www.paarbalance.de/coaching

2) Choose the time slot that suits you best.

3) You will receive access to the first session immediately after registration.

We look forward to seeing you!

Frequently Asked Questions