☝🏻 Quick start: Avoid this if you want to win back your ex
Are you single again and want to win back your ex-partner or have your ex-partner back by your side?
Are you tired of constantly wondering whether you yourself caused or possibly worsened the current situation?
Especially when our emotions are running wild, we often act rashly and maneuver ourselves into situations we never actually wanted. If well-intentioned attempts to reconnect with an ex escalate and lead to arguments, urgent action is needed to avoid completely ruining the chances of a fresh start.
This article will show you how to minimize the risk of making major mistakes.
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Why is it often so difficult to win back your ex?
When a relationship ends, feelings may still exist between both partners (the bond), but there is usually no real attraction anymore. Depending on the reason for the breakup and current mood, all positive feelings are blocked by a kind of 'emotional wall'. In plain terms, this means that all attempts to establish positive contact with her or him will generally (still) fail.
The 4 emotional stages of reconciliation
1. The negative stage:
Your ex-partner reacts very negatively to your attempts to contact them, ignoring or blocking you. In fact, all your well-intentioned efforts to re-establish a connection backfire and worsen the situation.
2. The neutral level:
The mood is neutral – neither negative nor positive. This stage must be fully restored before you attempt to contact your ex. At this stage, it's crucial to remain as calm and composed as possible. Pressure, discussions, or arguments would immediately cause you to revert to the negative stage.
3. The positive stage:
You can easily tell if you're in the positive phase. Are you having fun with your ex? Are you laughing together? Are you texting each other throughout the day? Is your ex using more emojis in their messages, for example? Are they responding to your messages more quickly? If so, you're in the positive phase. Here too, it's important to remain as relaxed as possible. After all, you want to prevent your ex from realizing that resuming contact wasn't the right thing to do...
4. The Love Stage:
Is your ex contacting you regularly again? Do you sense that they're thinking about you a lot, that they're including you in their life and want to know how you are, what you're doing, thinking, feeling… Do they want to spend time with you again? Then you've succeeded. The attraction is now so strong that your ex has obviously rekindled their feelings for you.
If you are currently still in the negative stage, it is almost impossible to directly ascend to the love stage. Simply attempting to switch immediately can significantly worsen your starting position.
Even though impatience and despair repeatedly try to incite us to rash actions:
Starting from phase 1, we actually have to go through phases 2 and 3 before we can reach phase 4 - and thus have a realistic chance of a real new beginning with the (ex-)partner.
What do debts have to do with a successful reconquest?
Are there any outstanding financial debts? If so, there's a high probability that your ex-partner won't respond well to attempts at emotional contact. But so-called emotional debts can also make reconciliation more difficult. For example, do you owe your ex an open conversation, an apology, or 'the truth'? If at all possible, you should do everything you can to settle any financial or emotional debts as quickly as possible.
Once you have settled all "debts", you can reach an emotionally neutral level and start the "win back ex" project with good chances of success.
What you should absolutely avoid. - The 9 no-gos.
No-Go No. 1 - Trading without a strategy
Very few of us are automatically exceptionally good at winning back ex-partners.
This is partly because 'winning back' is not a discipline in which we can train so long and often that we have all the dos and don'ts down 'on time', but rather we will only find ourselves in the situation of wanting to start over with the same person a few times in life after a breakup.
On the other hand, a major relationship crisis or breakup is so upsetting that we usually can't keep a cool head and act accordingly. Strong emotions prevent constructive behavior.
Our desire and intention to have our still-beloved ex-partner back by our side is far too important to leave to chance how the relationship will develop. The risk of making major mistakes should therefore be minimized at all costs.
No-Go No. 2 - Chasing after your ex
Do you feel like constantly texting, calling, or visiting him/her? Are you always checking if he/she is online? Would you like to like comments on Facebook or Instagram just to stay in touch? – Beware! Extreme caution is advised. Chasing after someone is anything but attractive and will only strengthen their emotional defenses and defensiveness.
Don't put yourself at risk of making ill-advised attempts to make contact, thereby positioning yourself poorly and ultimately making yourself unhappy.
A cat we chase with a ball of yarn will likely run away. However, if we tease it with a small piece of thread, which we occasionally pull away and then cleverly place again, the kitten will most likely become curious about the game. The same applies to our recapture mission: the right amount, the right timing, and the right offer are the keys to success.
No-Go No. 3 - Arousing pity
Under no circumstances should you appear overly weak to your ex in your current life situation. You must not give them the impression that you can't cope with life on your own. Self-pity and pathetic behavior will, at best, elicit pity from your ex. But pity is the opposite of attraction. And ultimately, we all want to be perceived as attractive (again) – not as pathetic.
We can really let it all out and complain excessively to good friends from time to time – but not to our ex.
No-Go No. 4 - Making accusations
Under no circumstances should you blame your ex. Guilt might create a bond in some way – but unfortunately, it will destroy any attraction.
No-Go No. 5 - Playing with jealousy
Making your ex jealous might seem like a sensible strategy at first glance (like, "Let's give him a good sting!" "Then she'll finally realize that other people do find me desirable." "He was always way too sure of me..." etc.) – but it's playing with fire. So, definitely not a good idea! If you want to win your ex back, you should absolutely avoid deliberately making him/her jealous . This usually does far more damage than you would probably expect.
No-Go No. 6 - Pretending there was no breakup
If you essentially ignore the breakup when in contact with your ex, the conflict will intensify and your ex will distance themselves from you even further. So don't deny the breakup. Not to yourself, and not to the other person. Don't downplay it. Don't trivialize it.
No-Go No. 7 - Winning over mutual acquaintances to your side
Under no circumstances should you try to win over mutual friends and acquaintances, try to pump them for information, or ask them to act as intermediaries. Your closest confidants, in particular, should not be maneuvered into an uncomfortable situation or forced into a conflict of loyalties.
Therefore, never speak badly about your ex in front of mutual friends.
No-Go No. 8 - 'Pretending to be good friends'
Let me say this right away: No, you cannot be friends!
Don't fall for the oft-offered "Let's just be friends." A friendship is the exact opposite of what you want. Pretending to be "just friends" for a while won't ultimately help you get back together as a couple later. That hoped-for future requires attraction—not "harmless" friendly feelings.
No-Go No. 9 - Talking about problems
Last but not least: The biggest mistake of all is talking to your ex about old problems, analyzing them, and dissecting past conflicts for hours. It will exhaust, tire, and wear you both down.
Do you really want to be associated with such negative feelings? Therefore, absolutely avoid getting into such emotional situations with your ex.
Want to win back your ex? The chances are good.
But: You need the right strategy.
There is no perfect plan that will guarantee you get your ex back. However, there are methods that have worked wonderfully for many people in similar situations.
With certain strategies, we can influence the feelings, memories, and thoughts of our ex-partner. It's possible to get them to remember beautiful and intimate moments together and gradually begin to miss us and our shared life. Through targeted and well-measured interventions, we can rekindle their interest in us and awaken positive feelings for us.
Learn from the reason for the breakup – read this article to find out how to make the most of this second chance so that your relationship benefits in the long run. ↗
The following tips can help with this project.
- First, actively establish a temporary contact ban yourself and allow yourself and the other person a period of rest.
- Give yourself time to develop new self-confidence before getting back in touch.
- Start something new, try something that makes you feel good and is fun, meet old friends and acquaintances, (re)gain your profile.
- Take full control of the situation.
Once you have the most important person in your life back by your side, the following applies:
Become aware of how you can avoid old mistakes and what ingredients are needed for a long-term happy and sustainable relationship.
PaarBalance coaching will gladly assist you with this: www.paarbalance.de/online-coaching
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Frequently Asked Questions
How can I win back my ex?
Give yourself and your ex-partner space to heal. At a later point, you can signal that you're ready to address the issues that led to the breakup. Communicate that you'd like to give your love another chance – but not at any cost, only if you both feel comfortable in the long run.
What are the best strategies to win back an ex-partner?
Give yourself and your ex-partner space to heal. At a later point, you can signal that you're ready to address the issues that led to the breakup. Communicate that you'd like to give your love another chance – but not at any cost, only if you both feel comfortable in the long run.
Can I win back my ex-partner even if he is in a new relationship?
Give yourself and your ex-partner space to heal. At a later point, you can signal that you're ready to address the issues that led to the breakup. Communicate that you'd like to give your love another chance – but not at any cost, only if you both feel comfortable in the long run.
What should you avoid if you want to win back your ex?
Trying to put pressure on the other person is counterproductive. It's also important to avoid appearing needy or pathetic. Repeatedly trying to persuade your ex-partner to rekindle the relationship will only backfire: it will push them further away. Manipulation attempts or "games" (such as making them jealous) are also harmful.
How can you regain the trust of your ex-partner?
To regain your ex-partner's trust, you should be consistently reliable, patient, and transparent. Keep your promises. Demonstrate trustworthiness through your actions. Communicate openly and honestly, and own up to your mistakes. And, very importantly: Give your ex-partner sufficient time and space.
