Emotional security: Why it’s so important for romantic relationships

Psychologists define "emotional security" as a sub-area of ​​the experience of a general need for security, which is so necessary for humans : Every person has basic needs that must be met in order for them to feel safe and comfortable - with other people, with themselves, with life as a whole.

A central need in all human relationships is security. Besides physical and financial security, emotional security is of paramount importance . This is especially true for romantic relationships.

In the following, we would like to take a closer look  at this important topic, " Emotional Security in Partnership, " and examine it from different perspectives.

What are the characteristics of an emotionally secure romantic relationship?

Feature 1: Love & Authenticity

A partner provides emotional security to their loved one by showing them that they love them. They give them the certainty that their feelings are real and authentic. 

Feature 2: Reliability

Both partners should avoid doing anything that might hurt each other. For example, keeping agreements and being reliable provides emotional security. 

Feature 3: Appreciation & Respect

A person who is treated with appreciation and respect by their partner feels safe and secure and has the feeling of being able to be themselves.

Feature 4: Freedom from fear & acceptance

Neither partner feels threatened; rather, both experience the relationship as a safe space. They can be honest and vulnerable without having to pretend. They can set boundaries that are accepted by their partner.

Feature 5: Openness & Security

Being able to communicate one's needs without fear of rejection is another basic requirement for feeling seen, understood and safe in the relationship.

What role does emotional security play in a partnership?

Emotional (in)security has a significant influence on the quality of a partnership and thus ultimately on the well-being of both partners.

Only through emotional security can deep trust and a sense of "we" develop as a couple. An important prerequisite for this is genuine interest in the other person's inner life – that is, in all their thoughts, feelings, worries, and fears. 

This happens when things go well...

Tolerance and understanding for differing opinions or the other person's "bad days" are just as important as signals of appreciation . Honesty and transparency regarding one's own feelings and emotions are also crucial.

If both partners experience the relationship as emotionally secure, neither will (need to) pretend to be someone they're not. Only then can they truly get to know each other. When we are loved and accepted by our partner for who we really are, it strengthens our self-confidence . Emotional security is therefore the foundation for a fulfilling long-term partnership and contributes significantly to an overall happy and healthy life .

Those who are not afraid of sanctions from their partner (such as withholding affection) can honestly communicate their wishes, needs , and plans . In this way, emotional security forms the basis for open communication, which is essential for truly connecting with one another.

When both partners feel emotionally safe in their home , they can reduce stress and relax there . This, in turn, promotes physical and mental health and increases overall well-being – and thus automatically improves the atmosphere between the partners. 

This is what happens when things go badly...

However, if insecurity and a sense of threat prevail , for example because the partner reacts negatively to expressions of feelings or even becomes aggressive, this leads to persistent stress and discomfort in the relationship. In such a tangle of emotions and tension, the partnership is never experienced as a place of peace and security where one can let go and "recharge."

The partner who feels particularly insecure and uncomfortable in the relationship will, over time, either withdraw increasingly , build walls , and no longer let the other person get close in order to protect themselves. Or they will remain constantly on guard , trying to somehow "please" their partner. If there are children living in the household , they too will suffer from the chronically tense atmosphere.

Such an atmosphere can lead to a gradual end to love and ultimately to separation . A lack of emotional security can damage self-esteem in the long run . Someone who has to pretend with their partner will eventually believe they are not "good" or "right." In such cases, it may even become necessary to gradually rebuild damaged self-esteem through therapy with a psychotherapist. 

What can I do if I lack emotional security in our relationship?

If you find it difficult to build emotional closeness in your relationship, but believe in your love and want to stay together, couples therapy or counseling could be the right step. Together with an experienced therapist, you can develop suitable strategies and possibilities to better understand your insecurities and gradually allow for more intimacy. As part of professional counseling, you will gain a wealth of helpful tips and recommendations.

Our tip:

• Gain a precise overview of which areas of your relationships are going particularly well for you, and where your attention is needed.

• The PaarBalance relationship test provides you with a comprehensive strengths and weaknesses profile of your partnership .

• You will receive concrete advice and tips on what it takes to feel safe and secure in your partnership in the long term (10 min, free, scientifically based).