☝🏻 Quick start: Love language: Helpfulness
As someone whose love language is " helpfulness, " support is paramount for you in a relationship. You want to help those you love—as often and as much as possible.
Conversely, it doesn't have to be anything grand for you. Almost any form of affection and support (the other person cooks or does the dishes, makes an annoying phone call for you, sets up a new email address for you...) makes you feel cherished and loved.
An overview of Gary Chapman's '5 Love Languages'
Gary Chapman, one of the best-known American couples therapists and an experienced expert on relationships, assumes that the following five basic " love languages " are the preferred way for people in committed relationships to express their positive feelings (affection, admiration, attraction, appreciation, love, praise, etc.) to their loved one:
- Words of Affirmation
- Quality Time (Togetherness)
- Gifts (Receiving Gifts)
- Acts of Service
- Physical Touch
Can everyone understand all languages?
In principle, each of us speaks and understands all these ' love languages '. However, we differ in which one is intuitively most meaningful to us, i.e., what we perceive as our " native language ".
Communication difficulties always arise when we (just) (once again) haven't realized that our partner might be speaking a different native language than ourselves.
We would like to discuss helpfulness as a widespread ' language of love ' in more detail below.
A lovely fantasy for all friends of the love language ' helpfulness '.
Imagine this scenario: A long, tiring day is coming to an end. You unlock your front door in the cold rain and rush inside. You quickly hang up your wet jacket and take off your shoes before collapsing onto the sofa, completely exhausted and hungry.
Your partner enters the room, holding a hot pot of tea and your favorite magazine. A delicious aroma wafts from the kitchen; your loved one anticipated you'd be tired and is preparing a warm meal for you.
There's no doubt about it: almost everyone appreciates this kind of affection. But while it evokes feelings of relaxation and gratitude in some, for others it's much more than that: the highest expression of loving and being loved.
While affection, togetherness, loving words and gifts can also be important for people with the love language of helpfulness, nothing in a relationship is more important to them than mutual support.
The importance of helpfulness as a love language
People whose love language is "helpfulness" aren't simply looking to avoid unpleasant tasks or lead a more comfortable life. For them, small gestures of support convey much more: appreciation and love.
"If my partner is willing to invest time and effort to help me with everyday tasks or difficult challenges, this is the best sign that he/she is truly interested in me and my needs and loves me."
Different types of helpfulness
These ' Acts of Service ' can vary greatly.
If you live separately, for example, it's rather unlikely that you can provide each other with much support in day-to-day household chores. In that case, the willingness to help can range from inviting each other over for a home-cooked dinner, to researching deals for a planned vacation, to proofreading a term paper.
There are no limits to creativity here. Anything that takes work off your partner's shoulders and supports them in their private or professional life is a good thing.
Advantages of the love language: Helpfulness
Like any love language, helpfulness has a number of advantages that you can enjoy if you or your partner are native speakers of it.
Stronger cohesion
No other love language strengthens the wonderful feeling of working together quite like it does. Mutual support ensures that you act as a true team in your relationship. Bonnie and Clyde send their regards. 😉
Higher quality of life
Few things can make our lives as pleasant as someone who lovingly lends us a hand. Together, most challenges are much easier and faster to overcome, and we immediately feel significantly more confident.
More reciprocity
When someone does something nice for us, we automatically feel the need to reciprocate. If at least one partner expresses their love through supportive actions, this can set in motion an upward spiral of gratitude and loving gestures.
Challenges of the love language: helpfulness
☝🏻 Be careful to keep things in moderation and not end up overwhelmed and stressed yourself from being too helpful and always wanting to be there for the other person - because that doesn't help your partner either.
Remember: Even if you like to express your love with helpful gestures, that doesn't automatically mean your partner will do the same. Loving words or tender touches might be much more important to them.
So don't make the mistake of concluding that you mean less to the other person!
How to communicate your needs correctly
If you are one of those people who use helpful language in love, your partner should definitely know how important mutual support and helpfulness are to you.
Enlighten
Does your partner know how important "helpfulness" is in your value system? And that pulling together is connected to feelings of love for you? Explain this to your partner. Mention to your partner (please do so in a relaxed moment...) how wonderful you find it to be supported by them.
Exchange ideas
Discuss situations in which you could potentially support each other more, better, more regularly, etc. You might discover win-win opportunities that neither of you had previously considered.
Bitten
Don't hesitate to ask for support when you need it. Your partner can't read your mind and may speak a different love language than you. So don't get in your own way; instead, actively approach your loved one when you want something.
Remember
Even if you've been a couple for a long time, your partner, who might have a completely different way of thinking about things, may not really be aware of your love language. Even if your needs are occasionally more present in their mind, it's very likely that these "aha" moments will repeatedly fade into the background. So please don't be too proud to give your loved one gentle (and well-intentioned!) reminders every now and then.
Test: What love language do you speak?
And now what? The best thing to do is expand your own portfolio!
Congratulations! Whether you're a native speaker or not, you're currently honing your language skills in the area of "helpfulness." 😉 If you'd like to add more of the five love languages to your portfolio, you can find articles on them here:
- Love language: >> Words of Affirmation explained
- Love language: >> Quality time explained
- Love language: >> Receiving gifts explained
- Love language: >> Physical touch explained
Warmest regards!
Yours sincerely, Dr. Judith Gastner
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Frequently Asked Questions
What are the different "love languages"?
According to couples therapist Gary Chapman, there are "five love languages" that people prefer to use to show their partner affection: loving words, quality time, gifts, acts of service, and physical touch. Which of these five languages is perceived as each person's "primary love language" varies from individual to individual.
What does helpfulness mean as a love language?
When a person whose love language is helping others receives support from their loved one, it means a great deal to them. This is because it is interpreted as a sign of genuine love when the loved one dedicates their time and energy to the well-being and relief of their partner, potentially putting their own needs aside.
What are the advantages of helpfulness as a love language?
Helpfulness strengthens the bond between lovers and can set in motion an upward spiral of goodwill, gratitude, and mutual loving gestures. It also increases the quality of life for the partner who feels seen and supported in overcoming challenges.
What challenges exist with the love language of helpfulness?
The love language of helping others carries the risk of overextending yourself by wanting to be available for your partner 24 hours a day. Find a healthy balance. Don't expect your partner to automatically speak the same love language. Perhaps helping gestures are far less important to them personally than they are to you.
How can I convey to my partner that helpfulness is my love language?
For your partner to understand and speak your love language, they first need to know what it is. Communicate how important helping others is to you. Discuss when and how they can support you. Ask them directly for support when you need it. Lovingly remind them of your preferred love language regularly.
