Being a parent and having (good) sex? – The 7 best tips

Parenthood is an exciting and challenging journey, almost always involving a lot of logistics and little time for intimacy and togetherness.  But with a dose of humor and a bit of courage to change course, even couples with a baby or young children at home can rediscover eroticism (at least one day... ;-)).

Here are seven tried-and-tested tips to increase the chances of a fulfilling sex life for new parents... 😉

Tip No. 1: Get rid of sex prejudices!

Prejudices about sex often become stumbling blocks in relationships. The belief that "only spontaneous sex is good sex," that sex always requires "a lot of time" or "a romantic atmosphere," or that a decrease in the frequency of erotic encounters "indicates a fundamental problem" can be unsettling and put a heavy strain on love. If people clung to such prejudices, the outlook for a large proportion of partnerships involving young children would be very bleak.  The frequency of sex, the sex itself, the weighting of different areas of life, the priorities in the relationship—all of these change over time. But not automatically for the worse, as is often feared. Changes or even lulls in the bedroom are not automatically the beginning of the end, but rather... perfectly normal! 

In this sense:

• Stop getting upset that the relationship (even without children!) changes significantly after several years or decades.
• Make a critical check of which (persistent) beliefs and prejudices make your (sex) life (or your just-not-so-much-sex life) unnecessarily difficult.
• And then...? -  Then throw as many of them as possible far overboard!!
  

Tip No. 2: Lust & Love at 8:05 a.m.!

Life used to be so different!  Perhaps you vaguely remember a time when you – spontaneously!  – decided at 8 p.m. to go out for dinner together.  And afterwards – spontaneously!  – decided to go for cocktails.  And then – spontaneously! – realized you were attracted to each other. And so – spontaneously! – you strolled home arm in arm, kissing each other right there on the doorstep, unbuttoning each other's buttons , before pleasuring each other erotically in every way imaginable – sometimes until well past midnight...

It's wonderful if your memory box contains such experiences. But the kind of evenings that spontaneously transform into romantic  evenings and then into exciting  ones... when you have small children?  Forget it. Spontaneity (at least as far as your own plans are concerned) is off the table for a while.

Anyone who longs to hold their loved one in their arms for more than three uninterrupted seconds usually needs to find new and unusual moments. With a little flexibility and a willingness to experiment, however, it's possible to integrate these stimulating encounters into the hectic daily routine of family life. And even if it's only every few weeks, mentally and emotionally nurturing these little windows of love can be incredibly beneficial. 

In this sense:

• Why not arrange to meet for a few minutes in the kitchen for a second coffee, including a kiss, after the children have been dropped off at daycare or the school bus? 
• Or maybe just go back to the warm bed for a cuddle – and start work half an hour later, just this once... Never done that before? Then it's high time you did!

Tip No. 3: Plan cleverly and enjoy!  Erotic dates.

In childless times, you don't need a fixed time slot for intimate encounters with your loved one. Because 'it' simply happened. Sometime. Somehow. Somewhere.  (-> see tip no. 2) 

With younger children, it's almost impossible to find time and space for undisturbed time together "just like that." That's why it's a great idea to create "windows of opportunity" together with your significant other – in which (theoretically) anything can happen, but nothing has to… 

Invest in finding the "right" babysitter so that something like this even becomes a possibility.  It's definitely worth it. Trust your babysitting children – and yourselves! – that it will work out well. Because such short breaks and undisturbed time as a couple are invaluable for avoiding getting lost in the daily grind.

In this sense:

• Finally, reserve a table at your favorite Italian restaurant. And look forward to a delicious meal for two as you stroll there hand in hand – a meal where you can finally talk to each other (without 27 interruptions) about what's on your mind.
• After dinner, go home early enough that your eyes don't close just 15 meters from your front door.
• Then say goodbye to the babysitter just as politely and quickly.  And help each other undress (not just your coats...), ideally right there in the hallway, before you sink down onto the sofa together, still basking in the lovely atmosphere of just moments ago – while the little ones are happily asleep in bed (that is, before they're called to their nursery for the first time that night... ;-))

Tip No. 4: Whetting their appetite! - Little flirtations amidst family chaos...

Yes, time becomes scarcer for new parents, and the frequency of sexual encounters decreases significantly. And yet: Small, sensual hints amidst the family chaos could be possible again and help you keep your connection as a couple alive. Why not fire off a few erotic sparks now and then? Brief whispers of love and subtle hints can maintain your bond even in the midst of family life.  You can share the memory of an erotic moment or a sensual fantasy with your partner in just a few seconds – even without the kids noticing. A text message from the kitchen to the living room, a whispered note while chopping vegetables, or a whisper on the way to the bathroom. Small gestures that only the two of you understand, or a shared memory of a sexy encounter, ensure that parents continue to perceive each other as erotic beings – even if there's often a lack of time and peace for more elaborate displays...

In this sense:

• Does the mother of your children look absolutely stunning reading to them – both snuggled on her lap – with her hair all tousled?  Discreetly take a photo of the scene and send it to her. Caption: "Hey Sweetheart, I just realized: I want YOU sitting on MY lap again.  You look so incredibly sexy with your messy curls." Will you fall asleep again that evening while putting the kids to bed – or...?
• Do you watch with warm feelings as your sweetheart twirls your gurgling bundle of joy towards the ceiling with his toned arms and catches it again? Then whisper a "Sexiest! Daddy! Alive! ..." to him as you pass by. And enjoy the look he gives you in return...

Tip No. 5: Perfectly imperfect

Everyday life with small children is full of unplanned moments and is guaranteed to be... imperfect! This includes things like not showering for an unusually long time, unshaven legs, stained clothes, or a meticulously trimmed three-day stubble becoming unruly. Against this backdrop, it makes soooooo much sense to generally let go of perfectionist expectations and accept that sex, too, can now be a little bumpier, more chaotic, less perfect—and yes, maybe even quick and unspectacular at times. The focus should be on positive feelings, not on an erotic choreography with grandiose lighting, the perfect background music, sensual lingerie, and a freshly waxed body.

If a perfect appearance and a meticulously planned environment remained prerequisites for eroticism, even for new parents, most couples would probably never experience anything at all.  And what is sex really about? Exactly! Fun.  Feeling yourself. Getting close to your partner. Having good feelings. All that stuff... And it's perfectly fine if it's chaotic and improvised at times.

In this sense:

• What if your child, who has usually stopped taking naps, unexpectedly falls into a deep sleep again after a long weekend of shopping...?  Then a spontaneous nap amidst toys, dirty laundry, and shopping bags can be a wonderful thing.
• When it comes to filling the washing machine, putting away groceries, etc., your offspring can "help" you half an hour later...

Tip No. 6: The Art of Closed Doors

Yes – parents can also introduce clear "staff only!" times, during which privacy and intimacy take precedence for a quarter of an hour over making hot chocolate and reading aloud.  When children are of kindergarten age, they can learn that there are moments when adults want to be undisturbed (Exactly! In the bathroom, for example... ;-)) – but also occasionally just the two of them in the living room or bedroom to cuddle together.

This prevents awkward situations and gives you the opportunity to truly connect with each other as a couple. Children from kindergarten age onwards are quite receptive to establishing new rituals and rules – provided they make sense to them and apply to everyone .  However, it's important to note that these may need to be repeated very, very often until they become second nature to all the little (and often big!) members of the household.

If your child has ever prepared a trick or a surprise in their own room, they can probably understand that there's a good reason (and it's also polite) to knock on a closed door and—wait for an answer!—before opening it: Obviously, someone wants to be able to prepare for someone else coming in.  If kids understand that there are also times when their parents want to be undisturbed and don't want someone barging into their room without warning, then the nightmare scenario for many parents won't come to pass: The child bursts into the parents' bedroom while their wild dad and uninhibited mom are at it naked—and experiences the shock of their young life.

In this sense:

• During well-established "Staff only!" times, you either have the opportunity to call out in a sweet, whispering voice: "Can't right now, my love – but I'll be there in a few minutes" or at least quickly throw the covers over yourself before your sweetheart invades your bedroom…
• Why not let your child(ren) make some cardboard doorknob signs themselves - both for the children's room and for all other important rooms (parents' bedroom, living room, bathroom), e.g. with a cute green "Come in!" face on the front and a "Stop!" monster face in signal red on the back.
• And the signs are always put in position accordingly when a few minutes of privacy are needed (but these must also be respected by the adults if the kids want to finish listening to a CD in their children's room...).

Tip No. 7: Three episodes of 'Fireman Sam' on Sunday morning?  - Oh yeah!

Should your children be home (and awake…) and you still feel like having sex (yes – this actually happens now and then), the chances of an undisturbed rendezvous increase if the little darlings are also allowed to do something they really, really enjoy for the next 45 minutes: Listen to a new Yakari CD while fiddling with a Hama bead picture?  Watch three episodes of 'Laura's Star' on the laptop without a break, with a plate of snacks on your lap?  (By the way: It's worth stocking up on new material at the local library regularly (they usually have CDs and DVDs!). (And no: This won't spoil your children's media craze for the rest of their lives!)

In this sense:

• Make a deal with your children: "You can now do xyz in peace – and Mom and I would like some time to ourselves.  Either we'll knock on your door when the clock hand is at its highest point – or you knock on our door when your CD is over.  But only then. Agreed?"
• Press the play button. Wait a moment until the children are engrossed in the story – and then: Off to bed! And that means: IN  BROAD DAYLIGHT !
• Important: Tell the kids that it's part of the agreement not to get in touch or come back into their room until the CD or movie is over. The exception, of course, is if a child has hurt themselves. For particularly mischievous children, you might want to add: But only if it really, really hurts badly. 

We hope your love life gets a little boost from one or two of our "family-friendly sex tips for new (and soon-to-be...) parents."  But: Take it easy and see what, when, where, and how works for both of you – and what doesn't. Or not yet. Or no longer. Or... we'll see. Open communication is half the battle. 

Do you have a tried-and-tested trick for reclaiming some time alone together?  If so, please share it! 🙂 Let us know and write to us at [email protected] .

We look forward to hearing about your tried-and-tested tips and recommendations.

Warm regards from
Judith Gastner & the PaarBalance Team