Cheating: Reasons, Consequences & Tips

Have you been cheated on? Are you worried that your partner might be unfaithful? Have you cheated yourself? Are you the 'third party'? Or were you, as a confidant, a witness to a scandalous affair?

In this article, we want to bring order to the emotional chaos surrounding the topic of affairs and infidelity.

• We are investigating the reasons why people cheat,
• answer the question of what the consequences of affairs are and
• They provide concrete guidance on how to deal with this crisis situation.

Affair as a taboo subject?

How many people actually cheat on their partners?

In an Elitepartner study from 2020, almost a third of the respondents stated that they had cheated on their partner at least once.

That seems like a lot to you? But this figure of just under a third only represents those who have admitted it . The actual number is far higher.

Affairs happen very frequently - yet they are not openly discussed.

As a result, there is little understanding of why people cheat, how it can be prevented in time, and what to do if it has already happened.

Why people cheat

There are many different reasons why people cheat during a relationship or marriage. But usually, no details are needed – because very similar patterns ultimately lead to infidelity.

The top 8 reasons according to the "University of Maryland study"

In an online survey of nearly 500 people who admitted to having cheated on their partner, researchers at the University of Maryland identified the following 8 key motivations for infidelity in relationships:

(1) Anger or resentment
, e.g. revenge for a previous breach of trust (the betrayed person becomes a betrayer himself)

(2) Increasing self-esteem,
e.g., attempting to increase self-esteem or satisfying the need for autonomy through sex with other partners.

(3) Lack of love
, e.g. loss of passion or uncertainty about whether love is still there

(4) Unclear definition of the relationship
, e.g. the cheater states that he was not clear about the degree of commitment and exclusivity of the relationship.

(5) Need for variety
, e.g., the desire to experience sex not only with one partner but with different partners.

(6) Neglect or rejection
, e.g., not enough love, respect, and attention from the partner

(7) Sexual desire
, e.g., frustration with sex within the relationship and/or the desire to experience something new

(8) Situational factors
, e.g., other scenarios that are outside the person's 'normal' life (drunk, on holiday, at a conference...)

The reasons mentioned can be summarized into two main categories:

A) Factors within the relationship

Too little time together, constant conflicts, loss of love and passion, or lack of respect: frustration in the relationship is frequently cited as a reason for infidelity.

When disappointment or boredom sets in in relationships, this increases the likelihood that people will desire attention from someone who has all of that to offer: interest and goodwill on the one hand, desire for sex and passion on the other.

However, while relationship problems may often be the reason for infidelity, they should not be seen as a license to cheat. Arguments like "I had to cheat because you were always..." are never fair.

Anyone who is dissatisfied with the behavior of another person has a lot of options to address the issue constructively - secret sexual intercourse with a third person is certainly not one of them.

In any case, it is important to dare to honestly confront one's own relationship problems early on, so that it doesn't even 'get that far'.

And what if the affair has already happened?

Then you should definitely examine more closely what factors led to it.

An effective way to increase your relationship knowledge is the scientifically based relationship test from PaarBalance (free of charge).

Immediately afterwards, your personal relationship profile provides you with a clear evaluation of the key strengths, weaknesses, risks and opportunities in your partnership.

B) Factors external to the relationship

But there are other reasons for infidelity. Many of them have nothing to do with the quality of the relationship. Even though everything is going fantastically well, one partner still ends up in bed with someone else. Why is that?

Factors such as curiosity, biological drives, and FOMO (Fear of Missing Out) play a role here. Especially in the age of social media, many people worry about missing out if they don't constantly have new experiences.

Another typical external factor is the environment. Be it the party clique, constant business trips accompanied by an attractive colleague, or a "touched a thousand times, nothing happened a thousand times" moment with the "best friend".

If we often feel 'tempted', the risk increases that (despite love) we will give in to validation, fun or any other pleasurable feeling in a 'weak moment'.

Why do men cheat?

Although many of the typical reasons for affairs (frustration with the relationship, curiosity, environment, etc.) apply equally to men and women, there are - from an evolutionary biological perspective - a few significant differences when it comes to infidelity.

Anyone who wants to understand why men cheat is confronted with an uncomfortable biological fact: men are evolutionarily programmed to spread their genes as widely as possible.

Unlike women, sex posed little risk for Stone Age men. The more different women he slept with, the higher the chance that at least a few of his offspring would survive and reproduce themselves.

This evolutionary biological aspect may seem somewhat 'crude', but it still plays a certain role in practice when examining the (unconscious) motives and needs of men.

In reality, it sometimes happens that men are happy with their partner and their relationship, enjoy closeness, have their most important wishes and needs met, and yet – without any prior signs of dissatisfaction – allow themselves to be swept away into an affair.

Why do women cheat?

For women, the reason for infidelity most often lies within the partnership. If, for example, affection, intimacy, passion, or security is lacking, women seek all of this in other men. Looking to our ancestors again provides a source for the different behavior of men and women regarding fidelity:

For Stone Age women (or rather, almost every woman until the invention of contraceptives), sexual contact posed a significant risk . With nine months of pregnancy plus several years caring for a helpless baby and toddler, women were extremely vulnerable and in need of protection.

Such reasons likely also play a role, albeit unconsciously, in why women (on average) are still significantly more selective in their choice of sexual partners than men. When infidelity occurs, there is often (though not always) more to it than mere, unreflective lust.

Where does infidelity begin?

Ultimately, "cheating" is a matter of definition. For some people, it begins with the first signs of flirting, while for others, alarm bells only ring when there is physical intimacy or sexual activity.

Does infidelity begin with writing ?

The question of whether infidelity begins with chatting with another person is controversial. While some argue that this can already constitute a form of emotional infidelity, others see no problem with it—as long as the messages are not explicitly sexual or erotic. Therefore, it is essential for every couple to openly discuss their own definition of infidelity and their personal boundaries.

Differences between emotional and physical infidelity

A crucial distinction is made between emotional and physical infidelity. Which of the two types of infidelity is considered 'worse' varies from situation to situation and person to person.

Emotional infidelity can begin as soon as you fall in love, even while in a relationship. Should I tell my partner? What's the best way to handle this? You can read about it in our blog article "In Love Despite Being in a Relationship" . 

According to a study by the Norwegian University of Science and Technology, men react more strongly to physical infidelity and women more strongly to emotional infidelity. A brief look at evolutionary psychology can again help to understand why this is the case:

For men, the greatest risk was unknowingly investing their own resources in the child of another man instead of in their own genes after their partner had an affair.

Women, in turn, had to fear that an emotional connection between their partner and another woman would lead to the man no longer offering his protection and support to her, but to his new flame.

Recognizing infidelity: Are there typical signs?

Typical behavior after infidelity often encompasses a variety of reactions, both emotional and behavioral. Individuals who have cheated frequently exhibit signs of guilt and remorse, which may manifest as increased efforts to win back their partner. Simultaneously, defensive behavior and secrecy may also occur as they attempt to conceal the affair.

Cheating - What now?

When an affair has occurred, trust in the relationship is severely shaken.

How to deal with your own infidelity

Having an affair is usually accompanied by feelings of guilt – and that doesn't feel good. Therefore, it's common to blame the other person. However, it's important to take responsibility for your own actions and, for example, find a way to communicate your needs and desires more openly and early in the future.

How to deal with a partner's infidelity

When a partner has cheated, it almost always leads to immense anger, panic, or sadness. Being cheated on is one of the worst hurts imaginable. Avoid any kind of rash reaction. You can find sound first-aid guidance in our blog article " Forgiving an Affair " (reading time: 10 minutes).

Psychological problems after infidelity

Being betrayed by a loved one is one of the most devastating events in life. Those affected initially feel as if the rug has been pulled out from under them.

Typical symptoms and effects

Common symptoms and effects after an affair range from physical complaints (such as headaches or stomach aches, loss of appetite, nausea, sleep disturbances) to (sometimes severe) psychological reactions (such as anxiety, depression, substance abuse). It is important to take such symptoms seriously and, if necessary, seek professional help (psychologists, psychosomatic specialists) as soon as possible.

Here's how to deal with it correctly

If you're dealing with an affair, the most important thing is to take enough time to sort out your feelings. Don't make any rash decisions. Don't hesitate to consult good friends or professional help. You'll need a lot of patience and understanding support right now.

Breakup or not?

In our society, infidelity is often equated with separation. Many couples initially feel that ending the relationship is the only option. Especially close friends who are deeply empathetic often advise separation or divorce directly.

Well-intentioned advice is not always good advice.

Whether separation is truly the best decision for a couple depends on various factors, such as the extent of the infidelity, the duration of the relationship, and the willingness of both partners to work on the relationship. This decision therefore requires careful consideration.

Decision-making aids and the first important steps for a second chance in the relationship can be found here. ↗ 

The right support

If you are currently overwhelmed by emotional turmoil, we recommend seeking external professional support as a guide and orientation.

In our couples therapy practice, we have successfully guided hundreds of people through the crisis following an affair. This wealth of practical experience and the insights gained from 50 years of couples research have been incorporated into the audio program "Taboo Topic: Affairs".

There, my colleague Prof. Dr. Ludwig Schindler, a renowned expert in this field, and I answer the most important questions, present a concrete case study (including an interview with the person affected), and show you step by step and with concrete tips the way out of the emotional mess.

Take back control of your life!

To the audio course "Taboo Topic: Affairs" ↗

I wish you strength and all the best.

Yours sincerely, Dr. Judith Gastner & the PaarBalance team

Frequently Asked Questions